The hearing is now scheduled for June 19th. Other than that I STILL don't really know much more than I did before and part of what I now know is NOT good news. Apparently there is disagreement among people in the county as to what's best for the boys so that's all up in the air again. I'm still hopeful that the judge will see the truth and do what's best for the boys. I'd feel better though if the county and the GAL went into the hearing asking for the same thing. As it stands now ANYTHING could happen at this hearing.
Saturday was hard. J raged for about 45 minutes before the visit. He later admitted that it was because of the visit but during it he was completely making up stuff to scream at me about. For instance...I "broke a lovie" of his (that a. was NOT remmotely ripped or otherwise broken and b. I hadn't touched). He got over it and we made it to the vist but he was edgy the rest of the day as well.
Sunday was a much needed "fun day." We went to the circus with my parents and my sister and her dh. It wasn't a huge circus but the boys all liked it. Cory was a bit jaded (think "This is it?") at times but even he enjoyed it. We all ate out together after so all in all it was a really nice day.
Monday, June 2, 2008
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Update to A Bad Place to Be
I could cry. At breakfast J was cheering "One more visit after today." This just sucks.
The boys' new cw, T, was at their visit today (along with the cw who regularly supervises). On the way home they told me that she mentioned asking the judge to let them have a few more visits. I don't think she's going to start poking her nose in at 15 months and change things (though the thought that she might HAS occured to me) so I'm not too worried that she means they won't still be going for tpr. That still leaves the question of what she DOES mean. I can think of 2 things....she was trying to find out about how the boys would feel about "goodbye visits" OR trying to give J a reason for the extra visits that will happen because of the delay in the proceedings. If she is trying to string J along she'll regret it. It won't satisfy him. He'll still be expecting to hear news of the hearing on the 5th. At any rate now I sit here til Tuesday knowing that the crap is up in the air but not knowing exactly which way the wind is blowing it (so to speak).
The boys' new cw, T, was at their visit today (along with the cw who regularly supervises). On the way home they told me that she mentioned asking the judge to let them have a few more visits. I don't think she's going to start poking her nose in at 15 months and change things (though the thought that she might HAS occured to me) so I'm not too worried that she means they won't still be going for tpr. That still leaves the question of what she DOES mean. I can think of 2 things....she was trying to find out about how the boys would feel about "goodbye visits" OR trying to give J a reason for the extra visits that will happen because of the delay in the proceedings. If she is trying to string J along she'll regret it. It won't satisfy him. He'll still be expecting to hear news of the hearing on the 5th. At any rate now I sit here til Tuesday knowing that the crap is up in the air but not knowing exactly which way the wind is blowing it (so to speak).
Friday, May 23, 2008
A Bad Place to Be
I've got bad news. The court date was postponed yet again. This is beyond ridiculous. Apparently it's beyond their control this time...there won't be a lawyer for the parents that day. I just can't help but think that if they'd done what they were supposed to do when they should've we wouldn't be in this position. We should've been in court yesterday for the 15 month review. Now it's more likely to be the 16 month review! I won't know for sure when it's been rescheduled for until at least Tuesday because of course no one who knows anything is in today. The only way this could be good news is if they get an EARLIER date. What do we suppose the chances of that are?.....Yeah. That's what I thought too.
The worst part of it is that J is going to go ballistic. He comes home and counts the days until June 5th and asks, "How many more visits are there?" Now I think some people will probably disagree with the fact that he even knows so much about what's going on. If I didn't know J I probably would, too. The big BUT is that if I (or a cw) came from court to tell him what happened AFTER it happened he'd be furious and feel betrayed. As hard as it is for him to know, he can't deal with the lack of control there is for him in not knowing. He also doesn't trust adults easily so you have to be very upfront and honest with him. There's just no winning in this situation.
If you're one for prayer, readers, please do! I'll update about this as I know more.
The worst part of it is that J is going to go ballistic. He comes home and counts the days until June 5th and asks, "How many more visits are there?" Now I think some people will probably disagree with the fact that he even knows so much about what's going on. If I didn't know J I probably would, too. The big BUT is that if I (or a cw) came from court to tell him what happened AFTER it happened he'd be furious and feel betrayed. As hard as it is for him to know, he can't deal with the lack of control there is for him in not knowing. He also doesn't trust adults easily so you have to be very upfront and honest with him. There's just no winning in this situation.
If you're one for prayer, readers, please do! I'll update about this as I know more.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Cuteness
I just had to post this before I went to bed. I love this picture, even though the quality is poor as it was taken with my camera phone. Too bad...the kids look great in it!
Growing Up and Other News
Cory is just SO grown up now. I just can't get over it. It really hit me all of a sudden. On Monday we had eye doctor appointments for Cory and Ty and I noticed that he was tall enough that his feet touched the foot rest at the bottom of the chair. He just looked so big in it! Then, more importantly, last night he was supposed to be at tutoring until 5:30. We were at counseling for J and wouldn't be home until 5:15ish. Tutoring ended up being cancelled so he was home right after school (about 3:10). He called me on my cell phone to let me know he was home alone. That is such a small thing for a lot of kids his age but a HUGE step and show of responsibility for him!
In other news I am frantically trying to get J an updated pysch eval before the hearing. We had one scheduled but the doctor cancelled and I'm having a hard time getting it rescheduled ANYWHERE. I have to admit I'm getting a little frustrated with it.
Lastly...I forgot to mention that there are only 2 more visits til the hearing!
In other news I am frantically trying to get J an updated pysch eval before the hearing. We had one scheduled but the doctor cancelled and I'm having a hard time getting it rescheduled ANYWHERE. I have to admit I'm getting a little frustrated with it.
Lastly...I forgot to mention that there are only 2 more visits til the hearing!
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Aunt Val
We went out to dinner last night with my sister. I told her that one of us needs to sit by L. Lol. I'm not so sure she'll choose to be the one that does again. He ran her ragged with his messes and needing "nakins." But they did share "furly pries" (curly fries) and ice cream lol. Though apparently they THOUGHT they were having a shake???
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Someone's Toes May Get Stepped On...
but mine were first!
Mother's day this year was a time for reflection for me. I'd never been to this place in my life before. This year I'm happy and secure as a mom to my 4 boys. Yes, 4. How can I include J and L? Well, they're my sons. For right here and now, whether they stay or go, they need that. And deserve it. Still, that could be a whole other post and this post wasn't going to be about that. Or exactly that, anyway. So back on track. Always before Mother's day has been about honoring my mom, dealing with the hurt the day caused me before I had the boys, or shoving my head in the sand just being in shock that I WAS a mom. This year I enjoyed my kids. I really did. But there was more. I spent a lot of my free time reading blogs (a new obsession). They were mainly adoption related and many were the blogs of parents who had placed or adoptees. Reading these blogs, and a call to Ty's mom on Mother's Day, triggered a lot of thinking on my part.
I understand that placing a child for adoption is losing a child. It doesn't matter if that child was involuntarily removed by a government agency (put first here ONLY because it's the situation for me and my boys), placed voluntarily after deciding it was the best decision to make in a bad situation with no GOOD choice, or placed "voluntarily" due to coercion. It still has to hurt. I can't honestly say I know what these parents go through but I can get a small idea. I dealt with the pain of wanting children and knowing how hard it would be for me to do that from the time I was 14 years old. I've dealt with nearly 2.5 years in all of fear and pain at the thought of losing first Ty and Cory and now J and L. Is it the same? No, of course not. Is it worse than what a parent who placed feels? No, I don't imagine it is. Is it a solid base to allow me to have compassion for what that parent has suffered? Yes, it is.
Another thing I've thought about these last few days is how much the system needs to be changed. How? God, I wish I knew. The only thing I DO know is that there'll always be corruption in it as long as it's allowed to be a business. Until that changes parents (both through birth and adoption) and adoptees will continue to "pay" for it. Dearly. But from foster care to private adoptions it needs to be overhauled for sure. Still, some of what I've read scares me. I've read posts that sound like adoption shouldn't even be an option. Faults and all, the truth is that adoption works sometimes. Is a necessary choice sometimes.
I read in several different places how domestic infant adoptions have decreased since abortion was legalized and women began to have more options that allowed them to parent. About abortion...I'm not going to debate my beliefs on that here in this post. What I WILL say is that it's still losing a child and that many women who have chosen that route have suffered emotionally because of that choice as well. What I did NOT read in any of the same places is that while d.i. adoptions may have decreased, the incidences of child abuse and neglect and the number of children in foster care have increased. That is NOT an implied slur on young, poor, or unmarried parents or expectant parents. I do NOT believe that they are any more likely to be abusive, neglectful parents than parents who adopted. I point it out simply to show that adoption in some form continues to be necessary. I'm stressing this because it sounded to me like some wanted to do away with it completely. Major reform? Again and again....YES! To take it away totally? I don't think that's an option. There is corruption in every sector of adoption: greedy, unethical agencies; manipulative, dishonest aparents; and bparents who are out to scam. That doesn't mean that EVERY agency, aparent, or bparent is that way. Nor does it mean that adoption is inherently wrong and evil. I guess it's like this. Even if placing was the best choice in your situation, you still have the right to grieve. If you were one of the countless parents that didn't have a choice or were coerced into the placement you have the right to be pissed off and get some justice. In fact, I hope you do. But I don't understand how you can accept taking that choice away when you see what being denied a choice did to you? Adoption IS a valid choice if every person facing an unplanned pregnancy is presented with all their options in an unbiased way and allowed to make the choice that is best for them. Whatever reform in adoption may look like, that's where it needs to end up in my opinion.
The last thing I noticed while reading was the use of the word natural mother in some blogs. I wonder, like every adoptive parent who has come across the term, what that makes me? What made me angry was that in some places I saw the term it was used not to empower or respect mothers but to degrade amoms. As in: we are NOT mothers. On that I beg to differ. I take care of my kids when they're sick, help them with their schoolwork, comfort them when they're scared, meet their basic needs, and I could go on and on. What other term is there for that? Ask my sons who I am...they know. I have lots of friends who've adopted...ask any one of their kids who that person who has taken care of them is. Does that have to make you a less important part of your child's life? Not at all. Not less, just different. Ask my sons that too. They know they have 2 moms and that they're allowed to love us both. It didn't take away any of the love I had for Ty or Cory as we added to our family. If I can love more than one child, why can't they love both their moms? I'm guessing it's hurt and anger that makes some parents act that way but I didn't cause your hurt. So put your anger and hurt where it rightfully belongs in your situation and leave the rest of us out of it. I am my 4 boys' mom and I won't feel guilty about it.
Mother's day this year was a time for reflection for me. I'd never been to this place in my life before. This year I'm happy and secure as a mom to my 4 boys. Yes, 4. How can I include J and L? Well, they're my sons. For right here and now, whether they stay or go, they need that. And deserve it. Still, that could be a whole other post and this post wasn't going to be about that. Or exactly that, anyway. So back on track. Always before Mother's day has been about honoring my mom, dealing with the hurt the day caused me before I had the boys, or shoving my head in the sand just being in shock that I WAS a mom. This year I enjoyed my kids. I really did. But there was more. I spent a lot of my free time reading blogs (a new obsession). They were mainly adoption related and many were the blogs of parents who had placed or adoptees. Reading these blogs, and a call to Ty's mom on Mother's Day, triggered a lot of thinking on my part.
I understand that placing a child for adoption is losing a child. It doesn't matter if that child was involuntarily removed by a government agency (put first here ONLY because it's the situation for me and my boys), placed voluntarily after deciding it was the best decision to make in a bad situation with no GOOD choice, or placed "voluntarily" due to coercion. It still has to hurt. I can't honestly say I know what these parents go through but I can get a small idea. I dealt with the pain of wanting children and knowing how hard it would be for me to do that from the time I was 14 years old. I've dealt with nearly 2.5 years in all of fear and pain at the thought of losing first Ty and Cory and now J and L. Is it the same? No, of course not. Is it worse than what a parent who placed feels? No, I don't imagine it is. Is it a solid base to allow me to have compassion for what that parent has suffered? Yes, it is.
Another thing I've thought about these last few days is how much the system needs to be changed. How? God, I wish I knew. The only thing I DO know is that there'll always be corruption in it as long as it's allowed to be a business. Until that changes parents (both through birth and adoption) and adoptees will continue to "pay" for it. Dearly. But from foster care to private adoptions it needs to be overhauled for sure. Still, some of what I've read scares me. I've read posts that sound like adoption shouldn't even be an option. Faults and all, the truth is that adoption works sometimes. Is a necessary choice sometimes.
I read in several different places how domestic infant adoptions have decreased since abortion was legalized and women began to have more options that allowed them to parent. About abortion...I'm not going to debate my beliefs on that here in this post. What I WILL say is that it's still losing a child and that many women who have chosen that route have suffered emotionally because of that choice as well. What I did NOT read in any of the same places is that while d.i. adoptions may have decreased, the incidences of child abuse and neglect and the number of children in foster care have increased. That is NOT an implied slur on young, poor, or unmarried parents or expectant parents. I do NOT believe that they are any more likely to be abusive, neglectful parents than parents who adopted. I point it out simply to show that adoption in some form continues to be necessary. I'm stressing this because it sounded to me like some wanted to do away with it completely. Major reform? Again and again....YES! To take it away totally? I don't think that's an option. There is corruption in every sector of adoption: greedy, unethical agencies; manipulative, dishonest aparents; and bparents who are out to scam. That doesn't mean that EVERY agency, aparent, or bparent is that way. Nor does it mean that adoption is inherently wrong and evil. I guess it's like this. Even if placing was the best choice in your situation, you still have the right to grieve. If you were one of the countless parents that didn't have a choice or were coerced into the placement you have the right to be pissed off and get some justice. In fact, I hope you do. But I don't understand how you can accept taking that choice away when you see what being denied a choice did to you? Adoption IS a valid choice if every person facing an unplanned pregnancy is presented with all their options in an unbiased way and allowed to make the choice that is best for them. Whatever reform in adoption may look like, that's where it needs to end up in my opinion.
The last thing I noticed while reading was the use of the word natural mother in some blogs. I wonder, like every adoptive parent who has come across the term, what that makes me? What made me angry was that in some places I saw the term it was used not to empower or respect mothers but to degrade amoms. As in: we are NOT mothers. On that I beg to differ. I take care of my kids when they're sick, help them with their schoolwork, comfort them when they're scared, meet their basic needs, and I could go on and on. What other term is there for that? Ask my sons who I am...they know. I have lots of friends who've adopted...ask any one of their kids who that person who has taken care of them is. Does that have to make you a less important part of your child's life? Not at all. Not less, just different. Ask my sons that too. They know they have 2 moms and that they're allowed to love us both. It didn't take away any of the love I had for Ty or Cory as we added to our family. If I can love more than one child, why can't they love both their moms? I'm guessing it's hurt and anger that makes some parents act that way but I didn't cause your hurt. So put your anger and hurt where it rightfully belongs in your situation and leave the rest of us out of it. I am my 4 boys' mom and I won't feel guilty about it.
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