Up on My Adoption Soapbox (Again)

Something I read today on an adoption forum I frequent prompted some thoughts that I feel the need to get out. Before I continue I would like to emphasize again that my experiences with adoption have been in regard to older child adoption through foster care. I believe that domestic, newborn adoption is a very valid (though currently also very corrupt) option for some expecting parents. I also believe that those parents should not ever be pressured into making a decision in ANY direction. The decision should only be made by the parent(s), hopefully in an environment of honest support (as in we'll get you through this time NO MATTER which road you choose). Having clarified that I'll go on with what this post is really about...the foster care system.

A friend of mine is working with a young girl currently in foster care. As part of her job she has become aware of some of this young lady's home situation and it's not good. She honestly believes in keeping the family together whenever possible but wonders where that line should be drawn. I've been real close to this dilemma lately because of the situation with J and L and some things that went on with the case. I really feel that families should be kept together as much as possible but I still feel that the interests of the children should come before the family (which really most often reads as the adults in the family). The adults don't need protecting but the children in these situations do. As I mentioned before this pertains only to parents in the foster care system. An expectant parent who is considering placing a child for adoption for whatever reason DOES deserve and need the protection, support, and resources to make any decisions about their options.

It infuriates me that in these cases the children pay the price of preserving the family at all costs. At what point do we say the family is not worth the cost of a child languishing in care for far too long or returning to an unsafe situation? I'll admit I don't know the answer to this, at least in part because I'm too close to this problem. I honestly know that J and L can NOT go home because I believe the things they've told me and I know the history there (which extends far beyond even just the 2 of them). Can these parents really change? How many chances to seriously mess up and with how many children should these people get? How long should parents get to work out their problems while their children wait, wonder, and worry in care? When is enough enough already?

Like I said before I don't have the answers. I wish I did for the children's sake (and yes for the family's sake). What I'd like to see is all the help possible provided to these parents so that they can keep their family together. The only reason for removal of children should be that the resources provided do not alleviate the problems OR if the situation is so problematic that the child(ren)'s safety is not assured. Oh wait! This IS what's supposed to happen and when it works it's wonderful. The glitch in this policy is this: there are parents who can't or won't use the resources to honestly change. I think if it gets to the point (for either reason I mentioned) that children need to be removed, the parents should have to work hard and fast to prove that they can safely parent these children. 12 months or more seems too long in my opinion, especially when considering that most of these families have been offered services that could keep their family together for quite some time BEFORE the kids were removed. If the parents can't successfully learn to parent with those supports before the children are removed they shouldn't have much time after. They should have some time, yes, because actually realizing how close they are to losing their kids can force them to get it together. I think though that if that's going to happen it'll show relatively quickly in the parents' actions and cooperation.

What about severe cases? "Aggravated circumstances" cover what counts as reasons to remove children and not have to work with the family to reunify. The problem? I've seen first hand where this is totally ignored and children suffer for it. It's supposed to protect the children in dire situations but how can it do that if it's not used because people are trying to maintain family? Some people might argue with the use of "aggravated circumstances," citing "preserve the family at all costs" as a basis for that stance. Preserving the family is a very admirable and necessary goal but as I've said before I disagree with that mantra when it's the children paying the price. My stand on this issue is that if parents have gotten to the point where the conditions for "aggravated circumstances" are met, they probably don't deserve more time anyway. I say probably to acknowledge that there are exceptions to this (but believe they are probably few and far between).

There is a price that the children in foster care pay no matter what happens (issues from time spent in care even if they return to a good situation, returning to a bad situation, or issues from losing the parents forever even if it was the best choice among horrid options). It's time adults stop using the all holy family as a blanket defense to avoid the consequences of THEIR actions that put the children in the situation in the first place. It's time to put the kids, not family, first. The family is not a living person, children are. THEY are what matters. Yes it's important to consider the pain and issues that arise from losing family but only by looking at what is best for the children in each whole situation can we say whether that family should be preserved.

Life After Visits

It's amazing how much stress the visits and case were causing in our lives. The difference has been striking! J is the pretty much easy going kiddo I used to know. He has his moments but they seem to be mainly reasonable kid moments. There has not been a single rage since the cw stopped by to tell the boys that visits were going to stop until the judge made up his mind. For the moment at least, the whole messy situation isn't in every activity, every moment of our day. I have to admit I like it.

We've been busy here lately. Despite the fact that it seems to rain at least for a bit nearly every day we've manged to get in some summer fun. Swimming, mini golfing, going to the park, that kind of thing. I'm working on a small mini get away and there's still camping to look forward to as well.

Yesterday we went to a small circus that was at the local fairground. It was pretty good for such a small one and it was especially nice because we were able to go with Ty's family. His mom, sister, grandparents, and 2 cousins made it. After that we went to my sister's for dinner and a tour of their new home! (same property but their new house is finished and gorgeous!)

The not givng adhd meds over the summer thing seems to be working out well. Seems like the worst that's going on is chasing after the messes they make and the occasional bout of the summer grouchies. The boys really know what buttons to push on each other and then I get to hear "Mom, he's got my toy." "Mom, he's looking at me." "Mom, he called me hippy." I can't really say that either of these things would be helped significantly, if at all, with meds so I'll deal with it and be grateful they aren't driving me nuts lol.

One Step at a Time

It was a long, grueling day in court today. I can't go into specifics but I will say I feel bruised and battered for sure. The county had decided to ask for a goal change to tpr and the boys' parents' lawyer asked for a continuance. The judge granted it and the hearing became an hours long battle to determine if visits should continue or be suspended until the goal change can be presented at the continuance.

The end result is that visits ARE temporarily suspended and the continuance re: the goal change will be scheduled shortly. That's all I know for now but for now it's enough. While it's not the giant leap I was hoping for today, it IS a big step.

Thanks to all of you who prayed for the boys and sent good thoughts our way! Please continue to do so!

My Scariest Moment

This is the second thing Cam tagged me to do. Not that I mind....it's kinda fun but this one is HARD. How did you pin down your scariest moment?

My scariest moment? Probably when the cw told me that I wouldn't be allowed to adopt Cory. They'd called and beggged me to take him for respite then long-term fc. He'd already been to and left 3 OTHER homes and they were going to make him move again after 6 months with me when his parents had already had their rights terminated? For him to go to an adoptive home where he knew no one? I didn't think so. Well, it worked out but I remember not being able to breathe when I heard that.

Tag...I'm It

My friend Camille tagged me. It's my first time ever (and then she DOUBLE tagged me lol....see next post).

Four Jobs I've had:
1. Substitute teacher
2. Receptionist
3. Nursing Asst. and Home Health Care Worker
4. Nanny

Four Movies I've watched more then once:
1. Dirty Dancing
2. Harry Potter (series)
3. Gremlins
4. Robin Hood

Four Places I Have Lived:
1. Wellsboro, PA
2. Narberth, PA
3. Villanova, PA
4. Mansfield, PA

Four TV Shows I watch:
1. Hell's Kitchen
2. Ghost Hunters
3. CSI
4. the Mole

Four Places I've been:
1. OBX, NC
2. London
3. Los Angelos
4. Lucerne, Switzerland

Four People Who Email Me Regularly:
1. Dawn (my cuz)
2. Kevin (my bro)
3. E-Bay
4. N.K. (a parent from Cory's scout troop)

Four of My Favorite Foods (Hello? only 4????):
1. Lasagna
2. Potato Salad
3. Steaks on the grill (actually almost anything on the grill)
4. Enchiladas

Four Places I'd Like to Visit:
1. Ireland
2. Disneyland (for the boys)
3. Australia
4. France

Four Things I'm Looking Forward to This Year:
1. Making J and L my legal sons
2. Either fixing this place up some or moving
3. Hopefully becoming an Aunt
4. The Breaking Dawn book and the Twilight movie

People I Tag:
Anyone who wants to do it! Sorry....I don't have many blog friends yet and most of them have already been tagged!

I'll Take It

I got a little bit of news yesterday. There apparently is so much disagreement within the county about what to do with the case that they plan on going in and presenting their case and letting the judge just decide. In other words they're not asking for anything. They're just going to present and let him take the reigns with no actual official opinion from them. All things considered, I'll take it. It means it's very unlikely that a decision won't be reached and knowing the case as I do I THINK we can prove to the judge how dangerous it would be for the boys to go home. That means that tomorrow's visit could be the last one (with the possible exception of a good bye visit).

Please readers pray! Some of you may feel you don't know enough of the story to pray for them to not go home. If so, would you please consider just praying for what's best for them? I'm trying to put my faith and trust in God that whatever happens will be exactly that...in their best interests! I'm not totally objective because I love them so much BUT I have heard from them time and time again some of the stuff they've been through. I hope no matter what next Thursday brings that part of their life is over.

Time Flies

So far today has been a pretty good day as far as behavior, especially as it's day one for the bigger 3 with no ADHD meds and it's the dreaded "v" day. I was literally sick to my stomach last night dreading today. It's been a full day, though, and I think that helps. It breaks my heart that the only way J can handle visits is if he's so distracted the rest of the day he doesn't have to deal with it internally.

We started the day by picking Ty up from his lock-in, an all night slumber party held at the school by the 4th grade teachers. We then headed to the STPR Pro-Rally which starts right down the block from us pretty much. After the visit J had a birthday party to go to and the rest of us went to the library and then hunted down a new a/c for downstairs. It's installed (yeah me and Cory lol). After a light dinner we're meeting my friend for ice cream and then relax and bed.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow. We can sleep in and then we'll head to my sisters' to have a cookout, meet her new goats, and check on the chicks that she was kind enough to take from Ty's class experiement.