Pictures

In case you couldn't tell from my header we spent the morning getting outside fall pics. My friend Cam made my favorite of each of the boys into a banner for me. (Thanks again! You rock!) There were some good shots of each of the kids but not one group shot of all 4 that stands out. They just never all cooperated at the same time lol. I'll share a few of the "almosts" but I might try again next weekend. I was really excited that one of the ones in the birch trees might work. It was good in theory, anyway lol.

Here We Go

I got some news about the case for J and L this week. I've had to process it and think about what I can and shouldn't post here. It boils down to I feel like I need to tell more than I probably should.

As it stands now there are 2 court dates scheduled. Something will be happening before the first that I am hopeful will make the second either unneccesary or at least a bigger step in the direction of permanency. I guess I can say that there is an appointment for the boys that may bring to light some of the things I've known for a while that will help the judge make the right decision. I have some mixed emotions about this appointment. I'm excited that it's happening, especially soon enough that any info can be brought up in court the next time we go. At the same time I am beyond pissed that it has taken this long for the powers that be to see that it needed done. From the moment I was contacted about J and L I was told that what will be addressed at this appointment was a probability so I am furious that nothing was done to bring it to light until now. I've seen the signs, heard the boys say things that prove it. I've reported all of it but because nothing was done sooner other things will allow the parents' side to cast doubt on it if it does come up now. All of this has led to the fact that I'll not just be testifying but I'll be raked over the coals so to speak. Just to show how bad it is...I recently found out that L told the cw the same information directly and she refuses to touch it with a ten foot pole (for the cases's sake AND her own). Thus the sudden need for this appointment.

The other thing that was brought up to me was a proposal made by the parents' lawyer. I'm not sure I should discuss the details here but if I change my mind at some point I'll go into a little more detail. My point in bringing it up is that it feels like a last ditch effort by the parents to hold on to something of the boys. Given the circumstances at this point I am not willing to agree to it. The county is of the same mind for now. I'd like to but I just don't believe it's in the boys' best interest.

I'm sorry all this is so vague. I'd like to ask any readers to please be praying for the boys for the next little while. It would be greatly appreciated!

Ouch

Like a lot of kids, especially with ADHD, J isn't very good at taking care of his things. I told him on Monday to put his soccer shin guards away after soccer practice. The next day they were still there. I told him again to put them up. He picked up both outer socks and one of the hard inserts but left the other. I told him later to put THAT one up. This morning he knew he had a game that started at 10. I had him getting ready a little after 9. By 9:40 he hadn't found ANY of the shin guard pieces. At about 10 he found the socks and one insert. By this time Cory, Ty, and I were all helping him look as well. I found it at 10:35 shoved behind the toy hamper in the playroom. By then the game was half over and he was crying because there was just no point in going. I hope he learned his lesson from it and tries harder to take care of his things. Otherwise...it just stinks.

In the Moment

Although I'm not sure how to put it into words, last night I was thinking that I feel like I've been living my life on hold so to speak. For a long time actually, but especially the last 5 years. I know that change is a part of life and even if things seem solid, life has a way of shaking things up. Even considering that, though, it seems like so much of my life is or has been in limbo. Were Cory and Tyler going to be and are J and L going to be my sons forever? Where and what is the right teaching job for me? Will we be staying here in the house we're in or will we be moving? I'd just like to feel some sense of permanence in our lives. A sense of general well being, with no big changes looming on the horizon. The unknowns (especially related to the boys' foster care cases)in our life, for some reason I can't quite put my finger on, make it harder for me to let the joys of our day to day life reach as deep as they should.

I wish I knew what to do about that, to find a way to truly just be in the here and now. I told myself last night that I need to start doing that but I'm not sure where to start. I don't want to let a moment of the boys' lives slip away without really enjoying it in the worry about what might happen. I suppose it starts with a choice so here's to living in the moment!

9/11

Where were you??? Remember...

The Name Game

As long as adoption exists so will the quandry of what to call the people involved. Today I read another complaint about the term birth mother. When I was new to adoption I used this term. To me it meant a mother who had placed her child for adoption, no insult intended. It was a frame of reference only, a way to distinguish between mothers in adoptive situations. I've since come to understand that many of those mothers were offended by the term, often citing that they felt it limited the importance of their role in their child(ren)'s life. Given what I know now about coercion and marketing in adoption I can respect their feelings on the matter. I've used the term in the past but as I said before as a frame of reference only. I've never used the term in reference to my sons' mothers in front of them. If I am speaking to them regarding their mom I SAY "your mom." They know who I mean and they know that I'm their mom too.

I've spoken about a little about this before but I felt the need to bring it up again. The reason is that while I can understand this mother's (whose blog I read today) reasons for NOT wanting to be called birth mother, it hurt that in the same blog post she called adoptive parents adopters. Then she wondered why we object to the term. I'd like to answer that here, although I am unconvinced she doesn't really already understand since it's basically the same reason they object to the term birthmother. I feel the term adopter does, and is meant to by at least some of the mothers who insist on using it, denigrate OUR roles in the lives of our children. I'm NOT an adopter. I adopted and now I'm a mother. It's as simple as that. And while I'm on the topic (a little bit at least)..."as born to" DOES exist. I've heard it said that no paper (meaning tpr) can change that and I AGREE totally with that. Time, good parenting, and love however CAN. It does this without severing the bond that the child will always have with his/her parents and their families. But it DOES exist. I would die for my boys, sacrifice anything that was mine to give. It's a mother's love for her sons. Plain and simple. Do they miss or cry for their mothers too? Yes. And I let them. I talk to them, look at pictures with them. I do what I can to acknowledge their loss and help them work through it. That's what a mother does no matter what her child is hurting about. So don't tell me (or my boys btw because they'd be the first to disagree with you) that I can't love them like they were born to me or that I'm not their mother.

It basically comes down to no one group's agenda is ever going to be heard, no change ever instituted in adoption as long as all we do is fling insults at each other and refuse to hear one another. It weakens every argument, every otherwise valid point of view. I'm tired of the insults and the pettiness. On all, yes ALL, sides. If you want to get justice for the violation of your rights in separating you from your baby, if you want your original records unsealed, or if you want reform in adoption it's time to grow up and focus on THAT. Stop taking your issues out on each other and either work together or at least learn to live and let live.

Golden Days

The first 2 days of school have been really nice. I've enjoyed having the boys gone so I can miss them but it's sure been quiet. It's nice to have L to myself too until his pre-school starts next week. I hope work (subbing) starts in earnest soon after that. I just can't imagine being home a lot without them after having them here all summer.