Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Good Morning to Me!

Today was an exhausting roller coaster ride. For the first time ever J had a rage in the morning. I don't know why it never crossed my mind that this could happen but it took my breath away for sure. It lasted about 1.5 hrs. and so obviously he was late to school. I wasn't totally sure about sending him so I waited extra as well. I just don't know how one person can go from screaming and sobbing things like "I hate you!" and "You're a big fat ..." back to his usual self at the drop of a hat. As a matter of fact that same boy came home tonight and has been so loving, affectionate, and even a bit clingy. I think he's desperate to see if I still love him after. After the rages are over and I can react calmly I just hurt for him so much.

The rages are hard but sometimes I HATE my reaction so much worse than anything J says or does. The one thing I'll grant myself is that I have never said anything I shouldn't. What I do regret is yelling what I do say. I know that it doesn't help (in fact it escalates it) and that I'll be furious with myself after but my heart runs away with my mouth (and my lungs) during. Sometimes, like last night, I can be calm and I'm proud. Why can't I just do that all the time? Why should my baby boy go through more than he already has because I can't keep my cool?

To continue the ride I got news from the boys' lawyer, otherwise known as the GAL (guardian ad litem). The next court date is already scheduled for May 22. The team meeting to discuss the case will be next Wednesday. The GAL is ready to go for tpr but she sounded very cautious. I hope it isn't because she's worried about getting it. I don't know what the county will be asking for and won't until after the team meeting. That means late next week or early the week after. The caution in her tone and the delay in finding out what the county wants from the hearing (the meeting was supposed to happen tomorrow but has been rescheduled) were slight downers but I'm excited to know there is a court date and that SHE will be supporting tpr.


Kathy's Korner said...

Cause your human!!! Thats why!!

I think its a plus for him that you sometimes lose it and yell. So he can see that a person can get angry...and not hurt someone...and still be there later and be safe. He can see and learn safe ways to be angry. Its a good thing!

Anne said...

I'm so sorry that J went through that Becky. You have helped me though because with our little guy we are doing foster with I truly do not hold my frustration at bay with certain behavior. I don't do what I shouldn't either but I know I can be more compassionate. Know that when we are aware of our shortcomings we are able to be human and change as well. Thank God we are human but how hard it is.

(((((hugs)))) to you!


Mandy said...

Rages are so hard. Asha's been having them lately too and I too loose my cool sometimes and wish that I could always stay calm and level headed when it's happening but they are SOOOO HARD to deal with when they are like that it's easy to loose it.

Asha does that flip thing too where she is mean as can be and then all of a sudden there she is my sweet little girl again. I hope that he doesn't have anymore and that he realizes soon that you are there for him no matter what.

Bek said...

I am sorry, I have been reading about older child/foster adoption and know that this is common, but it must be so hard to deal with at the time... you are doing a great job! You amaze me.

I love seeing the stories of the boys. I came to TT late in the game and didn't know most of it (and I also love that your cat Norah is nicknamed Noh Noh -- our Norah is Noh Noh too! Funny, huh?)

Good luck w/ the TPR meeting. I hope it all goes well w/ out another delay.