S'All Good

Just wanted to say we're all doing good! And I have a bit of news...

DRUM ROLL PLEASE.....



We have a court date for the finalization! On October 23rd J and L will become a part of our family legally and permanently!

Updates and Coming Soon

I've been pretty busy so I haven't posted much. Here are some updates for you!

*I've finished my 100th post (100 Things About Me) so check it out. Ya, cuz I told you to!

*The boys have started school and so far so good!

*Soccer and Cross-country seasons have started so we're on the go a lot. Cory is in cross-country and Ty, J, and L are all loving soccer.

*J and L have been transferred to adoptions. The cw stopped by on Tuesday and I signed an adoption agreement so the boys are no longer foster sons...they're pre-adoptive! She'll come 2 more times and we're set. I've been playing phone tag with a lawyer but as soon as I nail that down he'll file an Intent to Adopt and get a court date. It could be as early as late Sept.

Coming Soon!
*First day of school pics!

*Kathy had asked how I got into fostercare...I'll be doing a post on that soon.

"I'm Grad-ge-ated"

The day was perfect, sunny but cool and breezy. Aunt Val and I sat by the lake in our chairs and waited for the processional to start. They marched in to Billy Dean's "Let Them Be Little." I, of course, cried.

I can't get over how much time has gone by since he's been in my life. It doesn't seem possible that my baby has gotten to be so big. How does it go so fast????? I feel like I blinked and his toddlerhood is over. I know part of it is the dark cloud that was the court case that hung over everyday. I TRIED not to let it touch everyday or those special mommy moments, but it was always there. I pottytrained him. I taught him to swim. I taught him not to swear. Would any of it matter? If he went back to that horrible life, would any of it help him? I'm still, after all this time, not sure how to put into words what it feels like to love a child and raise him as your own not knowing if he is or will be yours. At any rate...he is mine now and he's safe forever. And he's growing from pre-schooler to grade-schooler, whether I like it or not.

Right Now...

There's not much going on that's post-worthy so this will just be a quickie catch-up post.

I'm still dealing with behavioral issues with the boys, though that shouldn't be a surprize. Mostly things are getting better for now but there have been a few incidents here and there.

J and L know now that they won't be going back to their family. They seem relieved and happy and I think some of the improvements in behavior have stemmed from knowing that. L has been telling his teachers and friends at pre-school that he "is going to be an adopted kid." He's asked me when he'll be able to be a "C" (my last name) "like the rest of you (meaning Cory, Ty, and I)". I asked him if he was happy about becoming a "C" and he jumped up and down with his answer of "Yes!" J hasn't said much but he called me mom one night shortly after hearing the news. We just kind of looked at each other at the same time and smiled. He's definetely processing it though because he asked me what would happen if I decided I didn't want him after he was adopted. I of course told him I WOULDN'T change my mind and after the adoption was official I COULDN'T change my mind.

Casper is doing well and is a happy addition to our family.

I still haven't started my job but should be soon. I don't really understand WHY it's taking so long but I do know that there IS a reason.

The End In Sight (Finally!)

I'm sorry that I didn't update Friday after court. Friday night was spent half in shock and in over the top relief. Yesterday was spent in the throes of agony, along with Cory, as the two of us battled either a stomach virus or food poisoning. We're fine today.

So as you might have guessed from the title and the sentence above....it's nearly over! Yesterday didn't go as I expected at all! I arrived at the courthouse to find out that the witnessess were going to be sequestered (according to the cw.) What she meant was that each witness would testify alone in the courtroom with only the lawyers and parents present. This was for the comfort of one particular witness but if they do it for one I guess they have to do it for all. (Side note here-I'd have liked the courtesy of that when they were ripping me apart.) I got a chance to talk the witness for a few minutes and I heard some some cute, funny stories about the boys. I also heard a few more details about their past that I'd rather not have known. I also know that she was the one that initially turned the parents in, as well as the turning point in the case. When they saw her they knew it was over.

Seeing her there and knowing the "iron clad" case the county had (as I heard later in the words of the GAL), the parents decided to voluntarily terminate their rights. I was sitting in the conference room having assumed the hearing started and all of a sudden in walks the 2 cws present and their supervisor, the GAL, the county lawyer, and the parents' lawyer. I had no idea what was happening and about went into a panic attack until I found out they were there to discuss the terms the parents were requesting in order to voluntarily terminate their rights. They wanted a visit on L's birthday (coming up very soon) and updates with pictures. It won't be a goodbye vist per se because we decided not to tell the boys until the 30 day revocation period is up in case they change their mind. It would still happen, it'll just take longer and it would be better not to have to explain that to the boys. I of course had no problem with any of those terms. It was nearly 11:00 when we finally actually went into the courtroom, as opposed to 8:30 when the hearing was supposed to begin. It's done, though. We wait the 30 day revocation period and it's finally over. I hope that the boys can now actually work on HEALING as opposed to just constantly worrying about the future and being safe.

I actually spoke to the parents. It was hard to see them crying. I really don't doubt that it was difficult for them to do but I fully admit my empathy was hampered by knowing what I know about what they've done to J and L. They asked me to take good care of the boys and I promised I would. In the process of our conversation I did find out a few things that L told them on visits that weren't true that would have made ME mad if I were in their shoes. One example would be that they've sent pictures of themselves at various points for the boys to have and apparently L told them I threw them all out. I didn't...the boys have a copy of every picture ever sent in their lifebooks and I have the originals put up in my room for safe keeping. I personally think L said that as a safer way to express HIS negative feelings towards them. He wanted to hurt them but was too afraid to do it more directly, if that makes sense.

I also actually had a nice conversation with my archnemesis in the case lol. Bruce, who supervised visits, and I have been at odds for most of this case. Given his version of events I still think he should've done several things differently, but I'm glad we managed to end things on a good note.

It's almost over. Finally. 2 years and a month in and we can finally see the light of safety and a future for my boys!

One Week

The court hearing is one week from today. One week. It happens to be on vist day so there won't be one next week (at least that's what the caseworker says for now). I suppose that could change but I don't expect it to. That means there's a good chance that today was the last visit with the exception of a goodbye vist or two. Waiting is hard enough but the caseworker recently informed me that the judge might not decide that day, he may take some time to deliberate. In fact I got the impression at least that she EXPECTS him to. I'm tired. And done. I just want this to be over. How do people do this?

Dates and Another Adoption/Foster Care Issue

I finally have some actual news about J and L! It's hopeful, good news too. There are 3 court dates set. In mid March there is a TPR hearing for L and then in April there will be a 6 month review and a TPR hearing for J. There are reasons that they are being heard separately but the case is stronger in J's situation so a lot of stress will be relieved after the first hearing if it goes the way the county is recommending.

As relieved and thrilled as I am for J, L, and myself I had a hard time writing this today because a blogger friend of mine is losing her fostersons. (A quick aside: I don't like the wording of the last sentence but I don't know how else to say it. They might not legally be hers but she loves them and they're leaving.) They will be moving into the care of their Aunt and Uncle. While I think it's a good idea to keep children with family whenever possible there are some possible issues with the situation. I have another problem with it, too. If this is where the kiddos are going to go, why did they wait 7 months to move on it? The kids now have a good, solid bond with my friend and her dh. Every time kids in care get attached and lose those people they're attached too it causes issues. Not to mention the pain it causes the foster parents. I realize that's a secondary issue but it's still asking a lot of the fps. Hmmmm. I wonder why foster care gets such a bad rap...if you treat people the way fps are treated you burn the good ones out and many of the ones left are the horror stories we hear so much about. Not to mention that dumb moves like this on the part of the workers cause more issues for the kids and kids in care have enough to deal with. The whole thing just irks me. UGH!

Anyway...PeeWee I just want you to know my thoughts and prayers are with you, Meek, and the E's!

Case Updated Again

The update that I have isn't much in the way of news. Here's what I know:

1. Visits are continuing, despite the fact that from what I hear (and see here after) they aren't going that well.

2. J's behavior has greatly improved and L continues to demonstrate his on a regular basis. They seem to be getting worse in that he is now having some problems at school.

3. The next hearing SHOULD be for TPR. I've heard this straight from the GAL. However it won't be until at least March, 2 yrs and 1 month from their placement into care.

As usual, prayers would be appreciated!

Rules

I've found myself saying this a lot recently, given that I've been a "mommy" to J and L for nearly 2 years now and none of us have any resolution as of yet. I posted it in a comment on a blog of a wonderful fellow fostermom and thought I'd say it here too.

The 2 hardest rules of fostercare:

1. Treat and love these kids as your own. (This is hard because it's gut-wrenching to do this knowing there's every possibility your heart will be broken if/when the kids leave you and you might never see them again.)

2. Got number 1? Good. NOW...never forget the whole time you're following number 1 that they AREN'T yours. (I'm not debating here the fact that they aren't ours as fp's. I KNOW that. I'm just stating that this is obviously a VERY painful irony we face if we really are doing our jobs as fp's.)

Deja Vu

For some reason the end of 2008 feels no different than the end of 2007. Not much has changed...at this point I still don't have a job and the boys' case hasn't been settled. Both of these things will likely be resolved soon. I have 2 prospects job-wise, one is a pretty sure thing and one is a long term sub position I'm applying for. As far as the case goes everything that can be done on either side seems to have been done. It'll be 2 years in Febuary so the judge is going to HAVE to decide soon. This next court hearing, most likely late January or early February, should see some answers in that arena. Right now I'm pretty stressed about it all the time. I KNOW they can't go home because I've heard first hand the torture they endured there but coming from me doesn't help the court case as my credibility has been called into question by their family.

I don't feel like I accomplished much in 08. It went by in a blur and left few changes to make me take notice. There are SOME good things of course. Looking back I'm proud of my parenting overall. I've helped J and L over some major hurdles and we continue to work on others. I'm proud of the young men Cory and Ty are becoming and that's in a large part due to me. There were some great times that I'll remember and cherish forever...our vacation and a wonderful Christmas and New Year's Eve to name a few. And of course I'm blessed beyond measure by my boys, my family, and my friends. Ah well...bring on 2009 LOL.

To all of you...May 2009 be a healthy, peaceful, joyous, and prosperous year!

A Rant

Head's up: This post is going to be quite the vent I think. Life with the case, and with J especially, has been stressful lately. The whys of that have led me to a very hurt and angry place right now. You're going to see both those things if you read on. And because I can't get TOO detailed about J or the case (or especially the CPS)the anger will out more.

I'm hurt and broken hearted right now. J has been displaying some unsafe and destructive behaviors as a result of his past. It's been pretty much on-going but has been getting worse recently. Some of you don't know this but the judge recently ordered visits be resumed with J and L's family but ONLY with L. (This is what I mentioned in a previouos post that might cause backsliding.) And it seems it has. These things might mean he can't stay here anymore. It's that serious and that close to the edge. He might NEVER be able to overcome the obstacles these issues and behaviors are causing him. I am so scared for what lies ahead for him and devastated to think of losing him because of this.

I'm going to go into a bit of detail here to make what I think is a very important point. J's problems are due to abuse he suffered at the hands of his family. It started with his parents and when they were done they passed him around until he ended in his grandfather's care for almost 3 years. Where he was TORTURED on a regular basis during that time. Given this I don't ever want to be told that adoption is not an option again. That there aren't some times when it IS the best choice. I'm sick of it. He stayed with his family for 6 years and look what it got him. Do you think he gives a rat's arse that they look like him, walk like him, have this talent or that like him? The kind of people they are he'd have been better off not knowing.

I know that there are parents and adoptees out there who will bring up the fact that he might have been abused in an adoptive home too. Some would intimate or even come out and say that foster or adovitve parents are MORE likely to abuse. For all I've read that nonsense on some blogs I have never seen one statistic to back it up. As my friend Kathy has said...people are people and no matter how you come to a family they aren't going to be perfect. Foster/adoptive parents are no different that way. In this case, though, his parents knew their own limits and what options they had among family (apparently none). So...the family is always best argument is DONE. FINISHED. THE END.

Another thing I'm tired of hearing is that God doesn't want us "Infertiles" to have children and that's why we can't. Really? That's the best ya got? The way I see it if only the people that were supposed to have children could there would be no need for adoption or abortion because there would be no abuse, neglect, or unwanted children. Every child would be born into a family who was willing and able to parent him or her.

I guess I'm ranted out but just let me say that I don't believe that parents who place are going to abuse their children if they don't. I already said I don't think either type of parent is more prone to that. The whole point I was trying to make is that adoption IS necessary. In a perfect world it wouldn't be. In an almost perfect world only those parents who should NOT have children would place them (and that would never be to abusive parents.) Anyway, that adoption is necessary is FACT. Those negatively affected by it can deny it til they're blue in the face but there it is...pure and simple.

Case Updated

I can't go into much detail but we had another hearing for the boys. I'm not overly stressing yet but let's just say it isn't over. The appointment I vaguely alluded to in my last post about the case? It led to an investigation, as I expected and hoped, but didn't make much of a difference in court. I doubt it will be founded or substantiated at this point. What bothers me is that I've reported everything the boys have told me and I feel like there are people that could contribute to the case but no one has talked to them. I feel like no one is fighting hard enough for these kids and I am so limited in what I can do. It's frustrating!

Things are about to get worse too. The boys are now going to be going through some stuff in the "interests of making the right decision" that could have us seeing major setbacks in behavior around here. Again, more on this as I can if I can say something without saying too much.

That's all I can say right now EXCEPT the one bright spot is that through all of this the cw told my inside source at the county that it went better than she expected. That continues to give me hope!

Here We Go

I got some news about the case for J and L this week. I've had to process it and think about what I can and shouldn't post here. It boils down to I feel like I need to tell more than I probably should.

As it stands now there are 2 court dates scheduled. Something will be happening before the first that I am hopeful will make the second either unneccesary or at least a bigger step in the direction of permanency. I guess I can say that there is an appointment for the boys that may bring to light some of the things I've known for a while that will help the judge make the right decision. I have some mixed emotions about this appointment. I'm excited that it's happening, especially soon enough that any info can be brought up in court the next time we go. At the same time I am beyond pissed that it has taken this long for the powers that be to see that it needed done. From the moment I was contacted about J and L I was told that what will be addressed at this appointment was a probability so I am furious that nothing was done to bring it to light until now. I've seen the signs, heard the boys say things that prove it. I've reported all of it but because nothing was done sooner other things will allow the parents' side to cast doubt on it if it does come up now. All of this has led to the fact that I'll not just be testifying but I'll be raked over the coals so to speak. Just to show how bad it is...I recently found out that L told the cw the same information directly and she refuses to touch it with a ten foot pole (for the cases's sake AND her own). Thus the sudden need for this appointment.

The other thing that was brought up to me was a proposal made by the parents' lawyer. I'm not sure I should discuss the details here but if I change my mind at some point I'll go into a little more detail. My point in bringing it up is that it feels like a last ditch effort by the parents to hold on to something of the boys. Given the circumstances at this point I am not willing to agree to it. The county is of the same mind for now. I'd like to but I just don't believe it's in the boys' best interest.

I'm sorry all this is so vague. I'd like to ask any readers to please be praying for the boys for the next little while. It would be greatly appreciated!

Catching Up

Obviously I've been neglecting my blog. It's so strange how you can feel so busy and yet not feel like there's anything to write about. Anyway...here's what's been up in our lives since last I wrote.

Ty has been sick. Where he caught it I don't know but mono has been going around and he caught it. He's coming into week three of being down with it. He's been feeling pretty good for a while now so the hardest thing on him has been the restricted activities that go along with it. He's missed bike riding the most but is also upset because he'll be missing the first two soccer practices of the season.

I've been getting some big projects done around the house. Well, maybe not big but things above the normal daily routine. I took apart, cleaned, and fixed the ceiling fan in my room; hoed out Ty's closet, deep cleaned the kitchen, and prepared for a yard sale. Which we have yet to have. I've also managed to swing us a vacation! We're going to be camping at a campground that has a lot to do and where we got a great deal. We'll also be going to some attractions that are in that area as well. We're all really excited. We leave Monday and will be back Friday.

In amongst all of the yard sale prep, cleaning, and vacation planning and prep....I GOT AN INTERVIEW! I went this morning at 8:30. It's not a full time position (and I'm not even sure it's permanent), but it's perfect for me for this year. It's 4.5 hrs/day maximum but the hourly rate is GREAT so I'd have wonderful hours and still make the most money I've ever made in a year lol. The interview went well as far as I could tell but I don't have a feeling if I got it or not. If I don't it just wasn't meant to be. Of course I'll keep you posted!

There's been nothing more on J and L's case, though something MUST be happening soon. I have reason to think that the next hearing (goal change) will be happening within the next few weeks. As far as behavior goes things have settled down. Still no rages since visits have stopped. None. I HAVE figured out that although L is physically 4 and smart as the dickens, somehow behaviorally he is more like 18 months-2 years. He needs a lot of supervision. In my head I've seen this for a while now but it's really hit home this summer. Two cases in point: he recently had a sticker on as we got in our car. We hadn't left the parking lot from where he'd gotten it when I heard, "Mom, he ate his sticker." Then just a few days ago I had to take him to the ped to have his ear flushed because he'd stuck a piece of bird food in it. I know, I know. Lots of kids do that. But most do it earlier, like at 2. He's non stop and it can be exhausting, though I don't want to seem like I'm complaining. It just is what it is.

School starts a few days after we get back from our vacation. So we need to be getting ready for that as well. And in good news I was approved for a car loan so I will possibly be looking into getting something with more seating after things settle down a bit. Exciting times!

Life After Visits

It's amazing how much stress the visits and case were causing in our lives. The difference has been striking! J is the pretty much easy going kiddo I used to know. He has his moments but they seem to be mainly reasonable kid moments. There has not been a single rage since the cw stopped by to tell the boys that visits were going to stop until the judge made up his mind. For the moment at least, the whole messy situation isn't in every activity, every moment of our day. I have to admit I like it.

We've been busy here lately. Despite the fact that it seems to rain at least for a bit nearly every day we've manged to get in some summer fun. Swimming, mini golfing, going to the park, that kind of thing. I'm working on a small mini get away and there's still camping to look forward to as well.

Yesterday we went to a small circus that was at the local fairground. It was pretty good for such a small one and it was especially nice because we were able to go with Ty's family. His mom, sister, grandparents, and 2 cousins made it. After that we went to my sister's for dinner and a tour of their new home! (same property but their new house is finished and gorgeous!)

The not givng adhd meds over the summer thing seems to be working out well. Seems like the worst that's going on is chasing after the messes they make and the occasional bout of the summer grouchies. The boys really know what buttons to push on each other and then I get to hear "Mom, he's got my toy." "Mom, he's looking at me." "Mom, he called me hippy." I can't really say that either of these things would be helped significantly, if at all, with meds so I'll deal with it and be grateful they aren't driving me nuts lol.

One Step at a Time

It was a long, grueling day in court today. I can't go into specifics but I will say I feel bruised and battered for sure. The county had decided to ask for a goal change to tpr and the boys' parents' lawyer asked for a continuance. The judge granted it and the hearing became an hours long battle to determine if visits should continue or be suspended until the goal change can be presented at the continuance.

The end result is that visits ARE temporarily suspended and the continuance re: the goal change will be scheduled shortly. That's all I know for now but for now it's enough. While it's not the giant leap I was hoping for today, it IS a big step.

Thanks to all of you who prayed for the boys and sent good thoughts our way! Please continue to do so!

I'll Take It

I got a little bit of news yesterday. There apparently is so much disagreement within the county about what to do with the case that they plan on going in and presenting their case and letting the judge just decide. In other words they're not asking for anything. They're just going to present and let him take the reigns with no actual official opinion from them. All things considered, I'll take it. It means it's very unlikely that a decision won't be reached and knowing the case as I do I THINK we can prove to the judge how dangerous it would be for the boys to go home. That means that tomorrow's visit could be the last one (with the possible exception of a good bye visit).

Please readers pray! Some of you may feel you don't know enough of the story to pray for them to not go home. If so, would you please consider just praying for what's best for them? I'm trying to put my faith and trust in God that whatever happens will be exactly that...in their best interests! I'm not totally objective because I love them so much BUT I have heard from them time and time again some of the stuff they've been through. I hope no matter what next Thursday brings that part of their life is over.

Time Flies

So far today has been a pretty good day as far as behavior, especially as it's day one for the bigger 3 with no ADHD meds and it's the dreaded "v" day. I was literally sick to my stomach last night dreading today. It's been a full day, though, and I think that helps. It breaks my heart that the only way J can handle visits is if he's so distracted the rest of the day he doesn't have to deal with it internally.

We started the day by picking Ty up from his lock-in, an all night slumber party held at the school by the 4th grade teachers. We then headed to the STPR Pro-Rally which starts right down the block from us pretty much. After the visit J had a birthday party to go to and the rest of us went to the library and then hunted down a new a/c for downstairs. It's installed (yeah me and Cory lol). After a light dinner we're meeting my friend for ice cream and then relax and bed.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow. We can sleep in and then we'll head to my sisters' to have a cookout, meet her new goats, and check on the chicks that she was kind enough to take from Ty's class experiement.

Less (News) is More (Stress)

The hearing is now scheduled for June 19th. Other than that I STILL don't really know much more than I did before and part of what I now know is NOT good news. Apparently there is disagreement among people in the county as to what's best for the boys so that's all up in the air again. I'm still hopeful that the judge will see the truth and do what's best for the boys. I'd feel better though if the county and the GAL went into the hearing asking for the same thing. As it stands now ANYTHING could happen at this hearing.

Saturday was hard. J raged for about 45 minutes before the visit. He later admitted that it was because of the visit but during it he was completely making up stuff to scream at me about. For instance...I "broke a lovie" of his (that a. was NOT remmotely ripped or otherwise broken and b. I hadn't touched). He got over it and we made it to the vist but he was edgy the rest of the day as well.

Sunday was a much needed "fun day." We went to the circus with my parents and my sister and her dh. It wasn't a huge circus but the boys all liked it. Cory was a bit jaded (think "This is it?") at times but even he enjoyed it. We all ate out together after so all in all it was a really nice day.

Update to A Bad Place to Be

I could cry. At breakfast J was cheering "One more visit after today." This just sucks.

The boys' new cw, T, was at their visit today (along with the cw who regularly supervises). On the way home they told me that she mentioned asking the judge to let them have a few more visits. I don't think she's going to start poking her nose in at 15 months and change things (though the thought that she might HAS occured to me) so I'm not too worried that she means they won't still be going for tpr. That still leaves the question of what she DOES mean. I can think of 2 things....she was trying to find out about how the boys would feel about "goodbye visits" OR trying to give J a reason for the extra visits that will happen because of the delay in the proceedings. If she is trying to string J along she'll regret it. It won't satisfy him. He'll still be expecting to hear news of the hearing on the 5th. At any rate now I sit here til Tuesday knowing that the crap is up in the air but not knowing exactly which way the wind is blowing it (so to speak).