I could cry. At breakfast J was cheering "One more visit after today." This just sucks.
The boys' new cw, T, was at their visit today (along with the cw who regularly supervises). On the way home they told me that she mentioned asking the judge to let them have a few more visits. I don't think she's going to start poking her nose in at 15 months and change things (though the thought that she might HAS occured to me) so I'm not too worried that she means they won't still be going for tpr. That still leaves the question of what she DOES mean. I can think of 2 things....she was trying to find out about how the boys would feel about "goodbye visits" OR trying to give J a reason for the extra visits that will happen because of the delay in the proceedings. If she is trying to string J along she'll regret it. It won't satisfy him. He'll still be expecting to hear news of the hearing on the 5th. At any rate now I sit here til Tuesday knowing that the crap is up in the air but not knowing exactly which way the wind is blowing it (so to speak).
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Friday, May 23, 2008
A Bad Place to Be
I've got bad news. The court date was postponed yet again. This is beyond ridiculous. Apparently it's beyond their control this time...there won't be a lawyer for the parents that day. I just can't help but think that if they'd done what they were supposed to do when they should've we wouldn't be in this position. We should've been in court yesterday for the 15 month review. Now it's more likely to be the 16 month review! I won't know for sure when it's been rescheduled for until at least Tuesday because of course no one who knows anything is in today. The only way this could be good news is if they get an EARLIER date. What do we suppose the chances of that are?.....Yeah. That's what I thought too.
The worst part of it is that J is going to go ballistic. He comes home and counts the days until June 5th and asks, "How many more visits are there?" Now I think some people will probably disagree with the fact that he even knows so much about what's going on. If I didn't know J I probably would, too. The big BUT is that if I (or a cw) came from court to tell him what happened AFTER it happened he'd be furious and feel betrayed. As hard as it is for him to know, he can't deal with the lack of control there is for him in not knowing. He also doesn't trust adults easily so you have to be very upfront and honest with him. There's just no winning in this situation.
If you're one for prayer, readers, please do! I'll update about this as I know more.
The worst part of it is that J is going to go ballistic. He comes home and counts the days until June 5th and asks, "How many more visits are there?" Now I think some people will probably disagree with the fact that he even knows so much about what's going on. If I didn't know J I probably would, too. The big BUT is that if I (or a cw) came from court to tell him what happened AFTER it happened he'd be furious and feel betrayed. As hard as it is for him to know, he can't deal with the lack of control there is for him in not knowing. He also doesn't trust adults easily so you have to be very upfront and honest with him. There's just no winning in this situation.
If you're one for prayer, readers, please do! I'll update about this as I know more.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Cuteness
I just had to post this before I went to bed. I love this picture, even though the quality is poor as it was taken with my camera phone. Too bad...the kids look great in it!
Growing Up and Other News
Cory is just SO grown up now. I just can't get over it. It really hit me all of a sudden. On Monday we had eye doctor appointments for Cory and Ty and I noticed that he was tall enough that his feet touched the foot rest at the bottom of the chair. He just looked so big in it! Then, more importantly, last night he was supposed to be at tutoring until 5:30. We were at counseling for J and wouldn't be home until 5:15ish. Tutoring ended up being cancelled so he was home right after school (about 3:10). He called me on my cell phone to let me know he was home alone. That is such a small thing for a lot of kids his age but a HUGE step and show of responsibility for him!
In other news I am frantically trying to get J an updated pysch eval before the hearing. We had one scheduled but the doctor cancelled and I'm having a hard time getting it rescheduled ANYWHERE. I have to admit I'm getting a little frustrated with it.
Lastly...I forgot to mention that there are only 2 more visits til the hearing!
In other news I am frantically trying to get J an updated pysch eval before the hearing. We had one scheduled but the doctor cancelled and I'm having a hard time getting it rescheduled ANYWHERE. I have to admit I'm getting a little frustrated with it.
Lastly...I forgot to mention that there are only 2 more visits til the hearing!
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Aunt Val
We went out to dinner last night with my sister. I told her that one of us needs to sit by L. Lol. I'm not so sure she'll choose to be the one that does again. He ran her ragged with his messes and needing "nakins." But they did share "furly pries" (curly fries) and ice cream lol. Though apparently they THOUGHT they were having a shake???
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Someone's Toes May Get Stepped On...
but mine were first!
Mother's day this year was a time for reflection for me. I'd never been to this place in my life before. This year I'm happy and secure as a mom to my 4 boys. Yes, 4. How can I include J and L? Well, they're my sons. For right here and now, whether they stay or go, they need that. And deserve it. Still, that could be a whole other post and this post wasn't going to be about that. Or exactly that, anyway. So back on track. Always before Mother's day has been about honoring my mom, dealing with the hurt the day caused me before I had the boys, or shoving my head in the sand just being in shock that I WAS a mom. This year I enjoyed my kids. I really did. But there was more. I spent a lot of my free time reading blogs (a new obsession). They were mainly adoption related and many were the blogs of parents who had placed or adoptees. Reading these blogs, and a call to Ty's mom on Mother's Day, triggered a lot of thinking on my part.
I understand that placing a child for adoption is losing a child. It doesn't matter if that child was involuntarily removed by a government agency (put first here ONLY because it's the situation for me and my boys), placed voluntarily after deciding it was the best decision to make in a bad situation with no GOOD choice, or placed "voluntarily" due to coercion. It still has to hurt. I can't honestly say I know what these parents go through but I can get a small idea. I dealt with the pain of wanting children and knowing how hard it would be for me to do that from the time I was 14 years old. I've dealt with nearly 2.5 years in all of fear and pain at the thought of losing first Ty and Cory and now J and L. Is it the same? No, of course not. Is it worse than what a parent who placed feels? No, I don't imagine it is. Is it a solid base to allow me to have compassion for what that parent has suffered? Yes, it is.
Another thing I've thought about these last few days is how much the system needs to be changed. How? God, I wish I knew. The only thing I DO know is that there'll always be corruption in it as long as it's allowed to be a business. Until that changes parents (both through birth and adoption) and adoptees will continue to "pay" for it. Dearly. But from foster care to private adoptions it needs to be overhauled for sure. Still, some of what I've read scares me. I've read posts that sound like adoption shouldn't even be an option. Faults and all, the truth is that adoption works sometimes. Is a necessary choice sometimes.
I read in several different places how domestic infant adoptions have decreased since abortion was legalized and women began to have more options that allowed them to parent. About abortion...I'm not going to debate my beliefs on that here in this post. What I WILL say is that it's still losing a child and that many women who have chosen that route have suffered emotionally because of that choice as well. What I did NOT read in any of the same places is that while d.i. adoptions may have decreased, the incidences of child abuse and neglect and the number of children in foster care have increased. That is NOT an implied slur on young, poor, or unmarried parents or expectant parents. I do NOT believe that they are any more likely to be abusive, neglectful parents than parents who adopted. I point it out simply to show that adoption in some form continues to be necessary. I'm stressing this because it sounded to me like some wanted to do away with it completely. Major reform? Again and again....YES! To take it away totally? I don't think that's an option. There is corruption in every sector of adoption: greedy, unethical agencies; manipulative, dishonest aparents; and bparents who are out to scam. That doesn't mean that EVERY agency, aparent, or bparent is that way. Nor does it mean that adoption is inherently wrong and evil. I guess it's like this. Even if placing was the best choice in your situation, you still have the right to grieve. If you were one of the countless parents that didn't have a choice or were coerced into the placement you have the right to be pissed off and get some justice. In fact, I hope you do. But I don't understand how you can accept taking that choice away when you see what being denied a choice did to you? Adoption IS a valid choice if every person facing an unplanned pregnancy is presented with all their options in an unbiased way and allowed to make the choice that is best for them. Whatever reform in adoption may look like, that's where it needs to end up in my opinion.
The last thing I noticed while reading was the use of the word natural mother in some blogs. I wonder, like every adoptive parent who has come across the term, what that makes me? What made me angry was that in some places I saw the term it was used not to empower or respect mothers but to degrade amoms. As in: we are NOT mothers. On that I beg to differ. I take care of my kids when they're sick, help them with their schoolwork, comfort them when they're scared, meet their basic needs, and I could go on and on. What other term is there for that? Ask my sons who I am...they know. I have lots of friends who've adopted...ask any one of their kids who that person who has taken care of them is. Does that have to make you a less important part of your child's life? Not at all. Not less, just different. Ask my sons that too. They know they have 2 moms and that they're allowed to love us both. It didn't take away any of the love I had for Ty or Cory as we added to our family. If I can love more than one child, why can't they love both their moms? I'm guessing it's hurt and anger that makes some parents act that way but I didn't cause your hurt. So put your anger and hurt where it rightfully belongs in your situation and leave the rest of us out of it. I am my 4 boys' mom and I won't feel guilty about it.
Mother's day this year was a time for reflection for me. I'd never been to this place in my life before. This year I'm happy and secure as a mom to my 4 boys. Yes, 4. How can I include J and L? Well, they're my sons. For right here and now, whether they stay or go, they need that. And deserve it. Still, that could be a whole other post and this post wasn't going to be about that. Or exactly that, anyway. So back on track. Always before Mother's day has been about honoring my mom, dealing with the hurt the day caused me before I had the boys, or shoving my head in the sand just being in shock that I WAS a mom. This year I enjoyed my kids. I really did. But there was more. I spent a lot of my free time reading blogs (a new obsession). They were mainly adoption related and many were the blogs of parents who had placed or adoptees. Reading these blogs, and a call to Ty's mom on Mother's Day, triggered a lot of thinking on my part.
I understand that placing a child for adoption is losing a child. It doesn't matter if that child was involuntarily removed by a government agency (put first here ONLY because it's the situation for me and my boys), placed voluntarily after deciding it was the best decision to make in a bad situation with no GOOD choice, or placed "voluntarily" due to coercion. It still has to hurt. I can't honestly say I know what these parents go through but I can get a small idea. I dealt with the pain of wanting children and knowing how hard it would be for me to do that from the time I was 14 years old. I've dealt with nearly 2.5 years in all of fear and pain at the thought of losing first Ty and Cory and now J and L. Is it the same? No, of course not. Is it worse than what a parent who placed feels? No, I don't imagine it is. Is it a solid base to allow me to have compassion for what that parent has suffered? Yes, it is.
Another thing I've thought about these last few days is how much the system needs to be changed. How? God, I wish I knew. The only thing I DO know is that there'll always be corruption in it as long as it's allowed to be a business. Until that changes parents (both through birth and adoption) and adoptees will continue to "pay" for it. Dearly. But from foster care to private adoptions it needs to be overhauled for sure. Still, some of what I've read scares me. I've read posts that sound like adoption shouldn't even be an option. Faults and all, the truth is that adoption works sometimes. Is a necessary choice sometimes.
I read in several different places how domestic infant adoptions have decreased since abortion was legalized and women began to have more options that allowed them to parent. About abortion...I'm not going to debate my beliefs on that here in this post. What I WILL say is that it's still losing a child and that many women who have chosen that route have suffered emotionally because of that choice as well. What I did NOT read in any of the same places is that while d.i. adoptions may have decreased, the incidences of child abuse and neglect and the number of children in foster care have increased. That is NOT an implied slur on young, poor, or unmarried parents or expectant parents. I do NOT believe that they are any more likely to be abusive, neglectful parents than parents who adopted. I point it out simply to show that adoption in some form continues to be necessary. I'm stressing this because it sounded to me like some wanted to do away with it completely. Major reform? Again and again....YES! To take it away totally? I don't think that's an option. There is corruption in every sector of adoption: greedy, unethical agencies; manipulative, dishonest aparents; and bparents who are out to scam. That doesn't mean that EVERY agency, aparent, or bparent is that way. Nor does it mean that adoption is inherently wrong and evil. I guess it's like this. Even if placing was the best choice in your situation, you still have the right to grieve. If you were one of the countless parents that didn't have a choice or were coerced into the placement you have the right to be pissed off and get some justice. In fact, I hope you do. But I don't understand how you can accept taking that choice away when you see what being denied a choice did to you? Adoption IS a valid choice if every person facing an unplanned pregnancy is presented with all their options in an unbiased way and allowed to make the choice that is best for them. Whatever reform in adoption may look like, that's where it needs to end up in my opinion.
The last thing I noticed while reading was the use of the word natural mother in some blogs. I wonder, like every adoptive parent who has come across the term, what that makes me? What made me angry was that in some places I saw the term it was used not to empower or respect mothers but to degrade amoms. As in: we are NOT mothers. On that I beg to differ. I take care of my kids when they're sick, help them with their schoolwork, comfort them when they're scared, meet their basic needs, and I could go on and on. What other term is there for that? Ask my sons who I am...they know. I have lots of friends who've adopted...ask any one of their kids who that person who has taken care of them is. Does that have to make you a less important part of your child's life? Not at all. Not less, just different. Ask my sons that too. They know they have 2 moms and that they're allowed to love us both. It didn't take away any of the love I had for Ty or Cory as we added to our family. If I can love more than one child, why can't they love both their moms? I'm guessing it's hurt and anger that makes some parents act that way but I didn't cause your hurt. So put your anger and hurt where it rightfully belongs in your situation and leave the rest of us out of it. I am my 4 boys' mom and I won't feel guilty about it.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Happy Mother's Day
Happy Mother's Day, mom! I know this might be a hard one for you so I just wanted you to know how much I love you!!!!!
Happy Mother's Day to all my friends, too! And ALL the moms (and moms to be!) out there!
Happy Mother's Day to all my friends, too! And ALL the moms (and moms to be!) out there!
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Happy Birthday
Today was my birthday. We didn't really do anything to celebrate but the boys DID insist I get a cake so we had that tonight with candles. They sang to me, but I had to remind them to lol. I got money from my parents, lotion and bath gel from my sister, and a book from my brother. I spent some time reading today which was nice.
PS~I can OFFICIALLY say 3 more visits before the hearing now. Hopefully the cw will be right and they'll be over after that!
PS~I can OFFICIALLY say 3 more visits before the hearing now. Hopefully the cw will be right and they'll be over after that!
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Case Updated
I'm going to tell the whole story of getting this news today so let me prepare anybody reading...the news turns out good. Don't panic when you read the beginning lol.
I've been expecting word of the 15 month hearing for J and L. They just had the meeting yesterday so I was thinking the paperwork might come maybe tomorrow IF someone was on the ball. Well, the certifed letters came today. I literally got a shock that made me sick to my stomach when I opened it. The county was asking for the boys to remain in care for 6 more months. I couldn't breathe I was so upset! I don't think J could take another 6 months. I immediately called the cw. She didn't answer so I left a rather terse message asking her to call me. She returned my call in minutes and here's where the news gets good.
She started with, "I gather you already got some mail." She apologized profusely that she hadn't called me to explain before I got the certified letters. She meant to but didn't expect that it would come so fast. The upshot is that the hearing has been continued until June 5th but the county is going to ask for TPR and she feels VERY confident that the judge will grant it. I basically knew all this but it seems so much more real now! After all the boys have gone through...this has been too hard fought and too long coming. It'll be so great to have it over with!
So....I'm counting down by how many of the very worst days (Saturdays...visit days) we have until the hearing. 4! And it could be all over! Or 3 after this week lol. That sounds better I think lol.
I've been expecting word of the 15 month hearing for J and L. They just had the meeting yesterday so I was thinking the paperwork might come maybe tomorrow IF someone was on the ball. Well, the certifed letters came today. I literally got a shock that made me sick to my stomach when I opened it. The county was asking for the boys to remain in care for 6 more months. I couldn't breathe I was so upset! I don't think J could take another 6 months. I immediately called the cw. She didn't answer so I left a rather terse message asking her to call me. She returned my call in minutes and here's where the news gets good.
She started with, "I gather you already got some mail." She apologized profusely that she hadn't called me to explain before I got the certified letters. She meant to but didn't expect that it would come so fast. The upshot is that the hearing has been continued until June 5th but the county is going to ask for TPR and she feels VERY confident that the judge will grant it. I basically knew all this but it seems so much more real now! After all the boys have gone through...this has been too hard fought and too long coming. It'll be so great to have it over with!
So....I'm counting down by how many of the very worst days (Saturdays...visit days) we have until the hearing. 4! And it could be all over! Or 3 after this week lol. That sounds better I think lol.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Maybe Tomorrow?
This has been a week of getting nothing done. I thought I had to work Monday afternoon so I took L to the sitter's. Once I got home to get a few things done and get ready to go I discovered that it was the next day that I had to work. Ok, no problem. I'd use the rest of the day to really get the house back in order from the weekend, right? Sadly, it wasn't meant to be. I had no sooner gotten settled in the "zone" when L's pre-school called (he goes to the sitter in the am and preschool in the pms when I work). Could I come get him? Or at least look at him? He had a rash. So we spent the day in the doctor's office only to discover that it was, as I had said from the beginning, a bug bite that he was reacting to. So Tuesday it was off to the sitter's, back home to do a little, then off to work a half day. What with Cory's scouts and counseling for J we had a busy evening as well. Today I was gone all day and accomplished only 2 things...waiting in the DMV to renew my license and picking up my new hearing aids. Then this evening it was off to the high school baseball game for a "go-see-it" for J's scout troop. I have to admit I enjoyed the game a lot. The weather was nice, the boys were good, we won lol, and I ran into a friend I haven't seen in a long time. We chatted the whole game. So all in all it was a pleasant evening. However my house is an utter disaster lol.
Oh well. There's always tomorrow lol.
Oh well. There's always tomorrow lol.
Friday, May 2, 2008
Thank You!
I just wanted to thank all of you who have stopped to read and support me. Turns out I like this blogging thing more than I thought I would lol. And the main reason is knowing that my friends are reading and lending their prayers and support.
So...thanks!
((hug))
So...thanks!
((hug))
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Bits and Pieces
A couple of bits and pieces about the day.
We went to look at a house tonight. I LOVED it. I wish we could just go ahead and do it. It's a bit of a pipedream, though. Still...I'm praying about it. Heaven knows God will provide the means if it is meant to be.
I got a new cell phone. I love it but I wasn't planning on it. Mine bit the dust and there just was no choice.
L is over the top thrilled. He got his first bike!
I know....exciting stuff, right? ;)
We went to look at a house tonight. I LOVED it. I wish we could just go ahead and do it. It's a bit of a pipedream, though. Still...I'm praying about it. Heaven knows God will provide the means if it is meant to be.
I got a new cell phone. I love it but I wasn't planning on it. Mine bit the dust and there just was no choice.
L is over the top thrilled. He got his first bike!
I know....exciting stuff, right? ;)
Turn, Turn, Turn
I'm begining to dread mornings. This morning started early with noise from the lil' boys room. We're finally all downstairs for breakfast when J starts lol and says, "Does that say what I THINK it does?" I go to the fridge and see spelled out in magnetic letters "F you." J hates reading his hw book every night but THAT he can sound out. Anyway...it didn't start the day off on a good note. (Turn around-When I finally dealt with it tonight Tyler admitted to doing it just to fool around. Discipline calmly handed out and it's dealt with.)
It's Thursday and if I'm not working it seems to be my cleaning day. I got a lot done. (Turn around-we hadn't been home 20 mins when the house was trashed.)
My cousin Dawn watched Jand L (Cory was at tutoring at school) so that I could take Ty for a doctor appointment. He's been having stomach issues and I was getting worried. (Turn around-he probably just needs more fiber.)
Jay kicked me on my shin so hard I have a bruise. He was only joking and kicked harder than he meant to but it's still NOT acceptable. (Turn around-He felt bad and apologized. We also all had a serious talk about the house rules at dinner time. Beneficial to all I hope.)
It's Thursday and if I'm not working it seems to be my cleaning day. I got a lot done. (Turn around-we hadn't been home 20 mins when the house was trashed.)
My cousin Dawn watched Jand L (Cory was at tutoring at school) so that I could take Ty for a doctor appointment. He's been having stomach issues and I was getting worried. (Turn around-he probably just needs more fiber.)
Jay kicked me on my shin so hard I have a bruise. He was only joking and kicked harder than he meant to but it's still NOT acceptable. (Turn around-He felt bad and apologized. We also all had a serious talk about the house rules at dinner time. Beneficial to all I hope.)
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