Joy

Today's prompt asks for the happiest moment of your life. Oh my smurf! How do you quantify that and pick only one moment?


I think most mothers would probably pick the birth(s) of their child(ren). Similarly, many people might expect that the days that the boys' adoptions were finalized might be mine. I can't say that, though. I was happy, most certainly. I wanted to be their mother so very much. But the joy of that day was tempered because while I gained that day, they lost. And no matter what the situations were, four sets of parents lost. Add to that that the finalizations were, because of the situations in foster care, the end of several years of stress for everyone. I guess it felt more like relief mixed with happiness.

Looking back, I just wouldn't pick one happiest moment. The happiest momentS for me? Are those silly, peaceful, loving moments with the boys that can happen at any time and are too numerous to count.

Fear

Mulling around ideas on what to post about tonight I was thinking about what I'm afraid of. I'm not sure where that came from but here I am anyway. I'm not scared of spiders, mice, or snakes. Bees, wasps, or hornets, though? I'm a shaking pile of mush. I get goosebumps just thinking about them. That's a phobia, though, and not really my GREATEST fear.

So what would that be? I'd say without hesitation that it's losing the boys. I'm sure that's MOST parents' biggest fear but I think mine is heightened by all the time I spent *knowing they may not stay with me. It was over a year in limbo for Ty and Cory and well over two for Jay and Logan. All that time spent in the power of the judge and caseworkers, never knowing when I might get a call that for whatever reason the boys would be going. Even now, a month after being freed from that for good, I'm not totally over feeling that way. It'll ease over time I'm sure. I'll get used to knowing that they're here and safe and that no one else has power over our home and relationships anymore. But for now? My heart still skips a beat sometimes when the phone rings or the dog barks when I'm not expecting someone. I think it's a mild form of PTSD for me actually. I spent, most recently, two years consistantly worrying about Jay and Logan returning to a VERY bad home situation. It only makes sense that it will take my body some time to adjust to the absence of that stress. In the meantime I intend to enjoy my sons and have as normal a life as we possibly can.


*I am NOT debating whether or not they SHOULD have gone home. I did my level best to help Ty's mom get him back, Cory's parents had lost their rights before I met him, and it was blantantly obvious to me early on that it would be very dangerous for Jay and Logan if they went home. I know these things to be fact. Anyone disputing them doesn't have a leg to stand on because that person couldn't know the situations and honestly argue against what I've just said.

Done, Done, Done

And did I mention that I was done? LOL.

With what you ask?

Foster care! I officially mailed in my resignation letter earlier this week. Why now? I wouldn't have made the choice so quickly after finalizing the boys' adoptions except my foster care license needed to be renewed. So it was either get them in here to do it or officially resign. Pushed to make a choice I took some time to consider and pray and decided to resign.

Ok. I'm processing this still. I'm not enitrely sure how I feel about it. I guess that's to be expected. There are a lot of both good and negative feelings associated with foster care for me. That I guess should be expected too. I am so blessed to have my boys. I'm proud of the work I did when I was working with A, Ty's mom. Whatever my feelings were at the time about not wanting to lose Ty I worked hard for their reunification. On the other hand, I saw a lot of incompetence happening in Jay and Logan's case. I'm not excluding myself. I KNEW they couldn't go home but I do have regrets looking back at the over two years of the case. I never did anything unethical or illegal but I pushed too hard in some places, trusted some of the wrong people, and didn't make myself be heard when I should have. I might post more about that but I need to think about that as it is Jay and Logan's story. There's also a little bit of sadness because it feels over and final now. More on that in a minute. But there's also happiness in being able to lead a more "normal" life now. I don't have to call to ask permission to leave the county, cut the boys' hair, or take the boys to the doctor if needed. We don't have to schedule cw visits. There are no more court hearings. All very good things lol. So like I said before, mixed feelings lol.

Now. Is this resignation as a resource family permanent? I can't answer that right now. I feel like our family is complete now. I'm not sure I could give the boys all the extra support they need because of their issues if I added another child now. However, I WOULD probably be willing to foster Ty's sister should she ever come into care. And another thing...my mom says she doesn't think I'm done. But what she sees is me fostering when I'm older and the boys are grown. I can sure see that as a possibility. Well, only time and God's guidance will tell from here. Looking forward to the future!

Permanancy in Foster Care

*My usual disclaimer...please read the title and note that I'm referring totally to foster care adoption here. So no panties in a twist, please.

I've been thinking about this for quite some time. I've read on several blogs of mothers of loss and adoptees that adoption should just be done away with completely. They feel a child who can't be cared for by his/her parents should go to extended family. I don't disagree with this at all in theory. I think that's the best case scenario. However, especially when we are dealing with the reality of TRUE fostercare cases (i.e. abuse or neglect and not youth or poverty), that just often isn't an option. For example, extended family members were looked at in all four of my boys' cases and it just wouldn't have worked out. In fact two of the boys WERE placed with extended family. One of them was "voluntarily" returned to care because the family member "couldn't handle him" and the other was removed due to severe abuse and neglect at the hands of the family member. I'll grant that this is a grossly small sample but still rather telling just the same.

Ok. I don't think there's anyone who can dispute that sometimes family is NOT an option. So what then? I truly believe that children need a sense of belonging, of permanacy. I can't imagine not knowing when you get up in the morning if you'll be going to sleep in the same bed that night. Not to mention what the feeling that no one wants you must do to a person's self-esteem. So I guess that means remaining in care isn't such a great choice. Actually, I think foster care should only be used while reunification is being attempted or until an appropriate permanent situation can be found if reunification fails.

So, next? Maybe permanent legal guardianship? I think that's an option but I'm not sure that's better or worse than legal adoption. In some cases, the kids might need to KNOW that their parents' rights have been terminated and there's no chance they'll be returning to that situation. Jay and Logan did. They were literally in pretty serious danger while with their parents. They are still scared of them, to the point of having nightmares that they come to kill us or take them. Also, some kids might need the unity of having the same last name to get a sense of belonging to their new family. I know I gave all four of my sons the choice and they all CHOSE to change or add my last name to theirs. Two of them kept their names completely the same and just added mine. The other two dropped their original last name entirely. Those same two actually changed more as well...Jay changed his name from Julian to Jay (our family nickname for him) and Cory changed his middle name. They both ASKED to make those changes. I didn't even suggest them in either case. I also know being officially adopted has helped them all to know that they are here with a family that loves and wants them forever. They don't have to wake up tomorrow and wonder where they'll be moved to next. I'm not sure about this last point (if anyone knows please feel free to leave a comment about this) so I may do some research on it and post more about it later. Does the child in a legal guardianship have the same rights that a legally recognized child of that guardian would have? Does that leave a child in that situation without parents or a family when he/she becomes a legal adult? Legal guardianship stops at 18 or 21, right? So who does that leave for a person whose parents' rights were terminated by the court due to abuse/neglect so that the child could have permanancy? Maybe this wouldn't be a big deal to most but I just can't imagine having no legally recognized parents.

I know that there are adoptees who felt that they couldn't be themselves growing up in a family they weren't genetically linked to. My first response to this is...SHAME ON ANY FAMILIES that caused a child to feel that way! I've posted before about "mini-me's" and expecting a child to be like the parents. That's just wrong in ANY family, whether biological or adopted. "Fitting in" should be a matter of being loved for who you are, not changing yourself to be like others just to gain acceptance. However, I think adoptive parents should accept that the losses caused by adoption might lead to these feelings and they should be prepared to help their children through this while they're growing up. Their differences should be accepted, even celebrated, and original families/heritage should be respected.

I'll admit I'm just a mom with a blog. I'm not an expert with all the answers but I just can't see how making my boys a permanent, legal part of my family is a bad thing as long as I don't negate their original families in the process. I know some will say changing their last name does that but like I said it was their choice and for me it was about including them in my family not getting rid of their original family.

For Kathy

This is the story of my foster care journey. It starts a long time ago in a way because I've known since I was little that I wanted to be a mom. When I was 14 I found out that it would be difficult, if not impossible. As I got older thoughts of adoption grew stronger and more frequent. In my early 30s I came to a point where I decided that I didn't want to wait anymore. I might never find the right guy but I knew I was ready to be a mom. I began researching the possibility of adopting. I looked at the all the options and for various reasons decided to pursue older child adoption through the county/state.

I began the homestudy process in the summer of 2003. I checked the website frequently and inquired about several children but months went by and I didn't even get a NEGATIVE response about them. Meanwhile my sister was working with a lady who was fostering a 3 yr old boy that my sister adored. It turned out he needed to be moved and my sister mentioned that maybe I should go into fostering and see if they'd place him with me. Of course that didn't happen because the process is too long. He'd been placed somewhere else before I was certified but it got the ball rolling. I was officially a resource home in October 2003.

FYI~The little boy went back to his parents. They had another baby, a girl. In 2007 they were removed AGAIN and are still in the system. I don't know the current status of their case but I know they aren't going home.

"I'm Grad-ge-ated"

The day was perfect, sunny but cool and breezy. Aunt Val and I sat by the lake in our chairs and waited for the processional to start. They marched in to Billy Dean's "Let Them Be Little." I, of course, cried.

I can't get over how much time has gone by since he's been in my life. It doesn't seem possible that my baby has gotten to be so big. How does it go so fast????? I feel like I blinked and his toddlerhood is over. I know part of it is the dark cloud that was the court case that hung over everyday. I TRIED not to let it touch everyday or those special mommy moments, but it was always there. I pottytrained him. I taught him to swim. I taught him not to swear. Would any of it matter? If he went back to that horrible life, would any of it help him? I'm still, after all this time, not sure how to put into words what it feels like to love a child and raise him as your own not knowing if he is or will be yours. At any rate...he is mine now and he's safe forever. And he's growing from pre-schooler to grade-schooler, whether I like it or not.

Dates and Another Adoption/Foster Care Issue

I finally have some actual news about J and L! It's hopeful, good news too. There are 3 court dates set. In mid March there is a TPR hearing for L and then in April there will be a 6 month review and a TPR hearing for J. There are reasons that they are being heard separately but the case is stronger in J's situation so a lot of stress will be relieved after the first hearing if it goes the way the county is recommending.

As relieved and thrilled as I am for J, L, and myself I had a hard time writing this today because a blogger friend of mine is losing her fostersons. (A quick aside: I don't like the wording of the last sentence but I don't know how else to say it. They might not legally be hers but she loves them and they're leaving.) They will be moving into the care of their Aunt and Uncle. While I think it's a good idea to keep children with family whenever possible there are some possible issues with the situation. I have another problem with it, too. If this is where the kiddos are going to go, why did they wait 7 months to move on it? The kids now have a good, solid bond with my friend and her dh. Every time kids in care get attached and lose those people they're attached too it causes issues. Not to mention the pain it causes the foster parents. I realize that's a secondary issue but it's still asking a lot of the fps. Hmmmm. I wonder why foster care gets such a bad rap...if you treat people the way fps are treated you burn the good ones out and many of the ones left are the horror stories we hear so much about. Not to mention that dumb moves like this on the part of the workers cause more issues for the kids and kids in care have enough to deal with. The whole thing just irks me. UGH!

Anyway...PeeWee I just want you to know my thoughts and prayers are with you, Meek, and the E's!

Rules

I've found myself saying this a lot recently, given that I've been a "mommy" to J and L for nearly 2 years now and none of us have any resolution as of yet. I posted it in a comment on a blog of a wonderful fellow fostermom and thought I'd say it here too.

The 2 hardest rules of fostercare:

1. Treat and love these kids as your own. (This is hard because it's gut-wrenching to do this knowing there's every possibility your heart will be broken if/when the kids leave you and you might never see them again.)

2. Got number 1? Good. NOW...never forget the whole time you're following number 1 that they AREN'T yours. (I'm not debating here the fact that they aren't ours as fp's. I KNOW that. I'm just stating that this is obviously a VERY painful irony we face if we really are doing our jobs as fp's.)

Case Updated

I can't go into much detail but we had another hearing for the boys. I'm not overly stressing yet but let's just say it isn't over. The appointment I vaguely alluded to in my last post about the case? It led to an investigation, as I expected and hoped, but didn't make much of a difference in court. I doubt it will be founded or substantiated at this point. What bothers me is that I've reported everything the boys have told me and I feel like there are people that could contribute to the case but no one has talked to them. I feel like no one is fighting hard enough for these kids and I am so limited in what I can do. It's frustrating!

Things are about to get worse too. The boys are now going to be going through some stuff in the "interests of making the right decision" that could have us seeing major setbacks in behavior around here. Again, more on this as I can if I can say something without saying too much.

That's all I can say right now EXCEPT the one bright spot is that through all of this the cw told my inside source at the county that it went better than she expected. That continues to give me hope!

Up on My Adoption Soapbox (Again)

Something I read today on an adoption forum I frequent prompted some thoughts that I feel the need to get out. Before I continue I would like to emphasize again that my experiences with adoption have been in regard to older child adoption through foster care. I believe that domestic, newborn adoption is a very valid (though currently also very corrupt) option for some expecting parents. I also believe that those parents should not ever be pressured into making a decision in ANY direction. The decision should only be made by the parent(s), hopefully in an environment of honest support (as in we'll get you through this time NO MATTER which road you choose). Having clarified that I'll go on with what this post is really about...the foster care system.

A friend of mine is working with a young girl currently in foster care. As part of her job she has become aware of some of this young lady's home situation and it's not good. She honestly believes in keeping the family together whenever possible but wonders where that line should be drawn. I've been real close to this dilemma lately because of the situation with J and L and some things that went on with the case. I really feel that families should be kept together as much as possible but I still feel that the interests of the children should come before the family (which really most often reads as the adults in the family). The adults don't need protecting but the children in these situations do. As I mentioned before this pertains only to parents in the foster care system. An expectant parent who is considering placing a child for adoption for whatever reason DOES deserve and need the protection, support, and resources to make any decisions about their options.

It infuriates me that in these cases the children pay the price of preserving the family at all costs. At what point do we say the family is not worth the cost of a child languishing in care for far too long or returning to an unsafe situation? I'll admit I don't know the answer to this, at least in part because I'm too close to this problem. I honestly know that J and L can NOT go home because I believe the things they've told me and I know the history there (which extends far beyond even just the 2 of them). Can these parents really change? How many chances to seriously mess up and with how many children should these people get? How long should parents get to work out their problems while their children wait, wonder, and worry in care? When is enough enough already?

Like I said before I don't have the answers. I wish I did for the children's sake (and yes for the family's sake). What I'd like to see is all the help possible provided to these parents so that they can keep their family together. The only reason for removal of children should be that the resources provided do not alleviate the problems OR if the situation is so problematic that the child(ren)'s safety is not assured. Oh wait! This IS what's supposed to happen and when it works it's wonderful. The glitch in this policy is this: there are parents who can't or won't use the resources to honestly change. I think if it gets to the point (for either reason I mentioned) that children need to be removed, the parents should have to work hard and fast to prove that they can safely parent these children. 12 months or more seems too long in my opinion, especially when considering that most of these families have been offered services that could keep their family together for quite some time BEFORE the kids were removed. If the parents can't successfully learn to parent with those supports before the children are removed they shouldn't have much time after. They should have some time, yes, because actually realizing how close they are to losing their kids can force them to get it together. I think though that if that's going to happen it'll show relatively quickly in the parents' actions and cooperation.

What about severe cases? "Aggravated circumstances" cover what counts as reasons to remove children and not have to work with the family to reunify. The problem? I've seen first hand where this is totally ignored and children suffer for it. It's supposed to protect the children in dire situations but how can it do that if it's not used because people are trying to maintain family? Some people might argue with the use of "aggravated circumstances," citing "preserve the family at all costs" as a basis for that stance. Preserving the family is a very admirable and necessary goal but as I've said before I disagree with that mantra when it's the children paying the price. My stand on this issue is that if parents have gotten to the point where the conditions for "aggravated circumstances" are met, they probably don't deserve more time anyway. I say probably to acknowledge that there are exceptions to this (but believe they are probably few and far between).

There is a price that the children in foster care pay no matter what happens (issues from time spent in care even if they return to a good situation, returning to a bad situation, or issues from losing the parents forever even if it was the best choice among horrid options). It's time adults stop using the all holy family as a blanket defense to avoid the consequences of THEIR actions that put the children in the situation in the first place. It's time to put the kids, not family, first. The family is not a living person, children are. THEY are what matters. Yes it's important to consider the pain and issues that arise from losing family but only by looking at what is best for the children in each whole situation can we say whether that family should be preserved.

Someone's Toes May Get Stepped On...

but mine were first!

Mother's day this year was a time for reflection for me. I'd never been to this place in my life before. This year I'm happy and secure as a mom to my 4 boys. Yes, 4. How can I include J and L? Well, they're my sons. For right here and now, whether they stay or go, they need that. And deserve it. Still, that could be a whole other post and this post wasn't going to be about that. Or exactly that, anyway. So back on track. Always before Mother's day has been about honoring my mom, dealing with the hurt the day caused me before I had the boys, or shoving my head in the sand just being in shock that I WAS a mom. This year I enjoyed my kids. I really did. But there was more. I spent a lot of my free time reading blogs (a new obsession). They were mainly adoption related and many were the blogs of parents who had placed or adoptees. Reading these blogs, and a call to Ty's mom on Mother's Day, triggered a lot of thinking on my part.

I understand that placing a child for adoption is losing a child. It doesn't matter if that child was involuntarily removed by a government agency (put first here ONLY because it's the situation for me and my boys), placed voluntarily after deciding it was the best decision to make in a bad situation with no GOOD choice, or placed "voluntarily" due to coercion. It still has to hurt. I can't honestly say I know what these parents go through but I can get a small idea. I dealt with the pain of wanting children and knowing how hard it would be for me to do that from the time I was 14 years old. I've dealt with nearly 2.5 years in all of fear and pain at the thought of losing first Ty and Cory and now J and L. Is it the same? No, of course not. Is it worse than what a parent who placed feels? No, I don't imagine it is. Is it a solid base to allow me to have compassion for what that parent has suffered? Yes, it is.

Another thing I've thought about these last few days is how much the system needs to be changed. How? God, I wish I knew. The only thing I DO know is that there'll always be corruption in it as long as it's allowed to be a business. Until that changes parents (both through birth and adoption) and adoptees will continue to "pay" for it. Dearly. But from foster care to private adoptions it needs to be overhauled for sure. Still, some of what I've read scares me. I've read posts that sound like adoption shouldn't even be an option. Faults and all, the truth is that adoption works sometimes. Is a necessary choice sometimes.

I read in several different places how domestic infant adoptions have decreased since abortion was legalized and women began to have more options that allowed them to parent. About abortion...I'm not going to debate my beliefs on that here in this post. What I WILL say is that it's still losing a child and that many women who have chosen that route have suffered emotionally because of that choice as well. What I did NOT read in any of the same places is that while d.i. adoptions may have decreased, the incidences of child abuse and neglect and the number of children in foster care have increased. That is NOT an implied slur on young, poor, or unmarried parents or expectant parents. I do NOT believe that they are any more likely to be abusive, neglectful parents than parents who adopted. I point it out simply to show that adoption in some form continues to be necessary. I'm stressing this because it sounded to me like some wanted to do away with it completely. Major reform? Again and again....YES! To take it away totally? I don't think that's an option. There is corruption in every sector of adoption: greedy, unethical agencies; manipulative, dishonest aparents; and bparents who are out to scam. That doesn't mean that EVERY agency, aparent, or bparent is that way. Nor does it mean that adoption is inherently wrong and evil. I guess it's like this. Even if placing was the best choice in your situation, you still have the right to grieve. If you were one of the countless parents that didn't have a choice or were coerced into the placement you have the right to be pissed off and get some justice. In fact, I hope you do. But I don't understand how you can accept taking that choice away when you see what being denied a choice did to you? Adoption IS a valid choice if every person facing an unplanned pregnancy is presented with all their options in an unbiased way and allowed to make the choice that is best for them. Whatever reform in adoption may look like, that's where it needs to end up in my opinion.

The last thing I noticed while reading was the use of the word natural mother in some blogs. I wonder, like every adoptive parent who has come across the term, what that makes me? What made me angry was that in some places I saw the term it was used not to empower or respect mothers but to degrade amoms. As in: we are NOT mothers. On that I beg to differ. I take care of my kids when they're sick, help them with their schoolwork, comfort them when they're scared, meet their basic needs, and I could go on and on. What other term is there for that? Ask my sons who I am...they know. I have lots of friends who've adopted...ask any one of their kids who that person who has taken care of them is. Does that have to make you a less important part of your child's life? Not at all. Not less, just different. Ask my sons that too. They know they have 2 moms and that they're allowed to love us both. It didn't take away any of the love I had for Ty or Cory as we added to our family. If I can love more than one child, why can't they love both their moms? I'm guessing it's hurt and anger that makes some parents act that way but I didn't cause your hurt. So put your anger and hurt where it rightfully belongs in your situation and leave the rest of us out of it. I am my 4 boys' mom and I won't feel guilty about it.