Sunday, November 29, 2009

The Gift

Many times in the adoption world the word gift is used. I've read that many adoptees and mothers of loss don't like this term in reference to adoption. I think they feel the word gift objectifies and devalues the adoptee and the pain both feel. I can understand that to a point but I think most adoptive parents don’t mean it that way. It comes down to a situation that causes emotions for all involved that are so very hard to put into words.

Let me try to explain to you what I mean when I say my boys are gifts. I think they are gifts of God given first to their other parents then to me through them. (That part is the same for me even though I adopted through foster care.) When most adoptive parents say they’ve been given a gift I don’t think they mean to imply that the baby is an object with a limited, though great, value. I think it’s more that we’ve been given what we wanted most in life, the chance to be a mother (or father). And you can’t put a price on that. In my opinion the word gift doesn't even begin to cover what that means but I can't think of a better one.

And here's where I get a little mad and insulted. Most “adopters” (ugh, I hate that word) appreciate that "gift" AT LEAST as much as any mom who gave birth. In general most people I think would agree that the more you go through to get something so important to you, the greater the appreciation you have for it. We went through as much, though in a totally different way, as those who gave birth. Let's be realistic. If we were talking about a posession instead of a child there wouldn’t be too many arguing over that. For example two men want Jags. One comes from a rich family and daddy buys it for him. The other works and saves most of his life and finally can afford to buy the car of his dreams. Who do you think appreciates the car more? And NO! I AM NOT CALLING A BABY A POSSESSION! Neither am I implying that it's about money. The exact opposite is actually my point. It's about the time, work, and emotion invested in the process. Because it IS a baby the emotions are infinitetly more intense and prevent the people involved from seeing this. Still, I dare say most of those moms who gave birth to their children feel that they are blessings or gifts too. They don't get taken to task for that. So it seems to me that mothers of loss and adoptees are implying that that blessing or gift has less meaning to us or that we deserve it less. Granted I’m assuming a little here but I don’t think it’s that much of a stretch. I’d be interested in responses from them, especially to set me straight if I’m wrong on either count. I don’t think that I was ”entitled” to any one woman’s child BUT I do think I deserved to be a mother. I never wanted my children at the cost of another woman’s pain but the fact is that SOME people DON’T deserve to be parents. Some of those people have kids anyway and those kids need homes. Are we worth so much less that we shouldn't be allowed to appreciate our children and our parenthood? Are our children not entitled to be treasured that way?

1 comment:

Unknown said...

I think you could use the word Blessing instead of gift.
Gift implies that the mother willingly and happily gave away her child just so you could have a child.

I also think you can stay clear of saying you have been through as much as someone who has given birth.

Not that you are a mean person or wish to hurt, it's obvious you don't wish to offend and just want to be seen in that light.

People who have a family naturally are not the cause of another mother's pain. This is why you can't compare your situation to them.

Again it's not about judging, it's just a question of respect and sensitivity.

To say that you think the children are a gift from God first through their mother and then to you can also mean that God wanted those mothers to suffer just for you.

Relinquishing a child to adoption is the most horrific experience, one that really takes a lot of strength and humility. It is my belief that the mothers who relinquish are superior mothers to those who adopt because they put their feelings last for the sake of their children.

The mothers who relinqusish deserve respect and acknowledgement. You are not on equal ground to them because you have not done something that you knew would change your life and give you intense pain and grief for the rest of your existance.

Until you have allowed your child to be taken from you knowing that you may never see him or her again simply because you felt that was in his or her best interest you cannot understand what it is to be a mother of loss.

I would rather not use words that offend people than defend my right to them by saying I have been through just as much as people who have given birth.

I don't know if this answers your question about why but I tried to explain to the best of my ability.