The Gift

Many times in the adoption world the word gift is used. I've read that many adoptees and mothers of loss don't like this term in reference to adoption. I think they feel the word gift objectifies and devalues the adoptee and the pain both feel. I can understand that to a point but I think most adoptive parents don’t mean it that way. It comes down to a situation that causes emotions for all involved that are so very hard to put into words.

Let me try to explain to you what I mean when I say my boys are gifts. I think they are gifts of God given first to their other parents then to me through them. (That part is the same for me even though I adopted through foster care.) When most adoptive parents say they’ve been given a gift I don’t think they mean to imply that the baby is an object with a limited, though great, value. I think it’s more that we’ve been given what we wanted most in life, the chance to be a mother (or father). And you can’t put a price on that. In my opinion the word gift doesn't even begin to cover what that means but I can't think of a better one.

And here's where I get a little mad and insulted. Most “adopters” (ugh, I hate that word) appreciate that "gift" AT LEAST as much as any mom who gave birth. In general most people I think would agree that the more you go through to get something so important to you, the greater the appreciation you have for it. We went through as much, though in a totally different way, as those who gave birth. Let's be realistic. If we were talking about a posession instead of a child there wouldn’t be too many arguing over that. For example two men want Jags. One comes from a rich family and daddy buys it for him. The other works and saves most of his life and finally can afford to buy the car of his dreams. Who do you think appreciates the car more? And NO! I AM NOT CALLING A BABY A POSSESSION! Neither am I implying that it's about money. The exact opposite is actually my point. It's about the time, work, and emotion invested in the process. Because it IS a baby the emotions are infinitetly more intense and prevent the people involved from seeing this. Still, I dare say most of those moms who gave birth to their children feel that they are blessings or gifts too. They don't get taken to task for that. So it seems to me that mothers of loss and adoptees are implying that that blessing or gift has less meaning to us or that we deserve it less. Granted I’m assuming a little here but I don’t think it’s that much of a stretch. I’d be interested in responses from them, especially to set me straight if I’m wrong on either count. I don’t think that I was ”entitled” to any one woman’s child BUT I do think I deserved to be a mother. I never wanted my children at the cost of another woman’s pain but the fact is that SOME people DON’T deserve to be parents. Some of those people have kids anyway and those kids need homes. Are we worth so much less that we shouldn't be allowed to appreciate our children and our parenthood? Are our children not entitled to be treasured that way?