Fear

Mulling around ideas on what to post about tonight I was thinking about what I'm afraid of. I'm not sure where that came from but here I am anyway. I'm not scared of spiders, mice, or snakes. Bees, wasps, or hornets, though? I'm a shaking pile of mush. I get goosebumps just thinking about them. That's a phobia, though, and not really my GREATEST fear.

So what would that be? I'd say without hesitation that it's losing the boys. I'm sure that's MOST parents' biggest fear but I think mine is heightened by all the time I spent *knowing they may not stay with me. It was over a year in limbo for Ty and Cory and well over two for Jay and Logan. All that time spent in the power of the judge and caseworkers, never knowing when I might get a call that for whatever reason the boys would be going. Even now, a month after being freed from that for good, I'm not totally over feeling that way. It'll ease over time I'm sure. I'll get used to knowing that they're here and safe and that no one else has power over our home and relationships anymore. But for now? My heart still skips a beat sometimes when the phone rings or the dog barks when I'm not expecting someone. I think it's a mild form of PTSD for me actually. I spent, most recently, two years consistantly worrying about Jay and Logan returning to a VERY bad home situation. It only makes sense that it will take my body some time to adjust to the absence of that stress. In the meantime I intend to enjoy my sons and have as normal a life as we possibly can.


*I am NOT debating whether or not they SHOULD have gone home. I did my level best to help Ty's mom get him back, Cory's parents had lost their rights before I met him, and it was blantantly obvious to me early on that it would be very dangerous for Jay and Logan if they went home. I know these things to be fact. Anyone disputing them doesn't have a leg to stand on because that person couldn't know the situations and honestly argue against what I've just said.