Permanancy in Foster Care

*My usual disclaimer...please read the title and note that I'm referring totally to foster care adoption here. So no panties in a twist, please.

I've been thinking about this for quite some time. I've read on several blogs of mothers of loss and adoptees that adoption should just be done away with completely. They feel a child who can't be cared for by his/her parents should go to extended family. I don't disagree with this at all in theory. I think that's the best case scenario. However, especially when we are dealing with the reality of TRUE fostercare cases (i.e. abuse or neglect and not youth or poverty), that just often isn't an option. For example, extended family members were looked at in all four of my boys' cases and it just wouldn't have worked out. In fact two of the boys WERE placed with extended family. One of them was "voluntarily" returned to care because the family member "couldn't handle him" and the other was removed due to severe abuse and neglect at the hands of the family member. I'll grant that this is a grossly small sample but still rather telling just the same.

Ok. I don't think there's anyone who can dispute that sometimes family is NOT an option. So what then? I truly believe that children need a sense of belonging, of permanacy. I can't imagine not knowing when you get up in the morning if you'll be going to sleep in the same bed that night. Not to mention what the feeling that no one wants you must do to a person's self-esteem. So I guess that means remaining in care isn't such a great choice. Actually, I think foster care should only be used while reunification is being attempted or until an appropriate permanent situation can be found if reunification fails.

So, next? Maybe permanent legal guardianship? I think that's an option but I'm not sure that's better or worse than legal adoption. In some cases, the kids might need to KNOW that their parents' rights have been terminated and there's no chance they'll be returning to that situation. Jay and Logan did. They were literally in pretty serious danger while with their parents. They are still scared of them, to the point of having nightmares that they come to kill us or take them. Also, some kids might need the unity of having the same last name to get a sense of belonging to their new family. I know I gave all four of my sons the choice and they all CHOSE to change or add my last name to theirs. Two of them kept their names completely the same and just added mine. The other two dropped their original last name entirely. Those same two actually changed more as well...Jay changed his name from Julian to Jay (our family nickname for him) and Cory changed his middle name. They both ASKED to make those changes. I didn't even suggest them in either case. I also know being officially adopted has helped them all to know that they are here with a family that loves and wants them forever. They don't have to wake up tomorrow and wonder where they'll be moved to next. I'm not sure about this last point (if anyone knows please feel free to leave a comment about this) so I may do some research on it and post more about it later. Does the child in a legal guardianship have the same rights that a legally recognized child of that guardian would have? Does that leave a child in that situation without parents or a family when he/she becomes a legal adult? Legal guardianship stops at 18 or 21, right? So who does that leave for a person whose parents' rights were terminated by the court due to abuse/neglect so that the child could have permanancy? Maybe this wouldn't be a big deal to most but I just can't imagine having no legally recognized parents.

I know that there are adoptees who felt that they couldn't be themselves growing up in a family they weren't genetically linked to. My first response to this is...SHAME ON ANY FAMILIES that caused a child to feel that way! I've posted before about "mini-me's" and expecting a child to be like the parents. That's just wrong in ANY family, whether biological or adopted. "Fitting in" should be a matter of being loved for who you are, not changing yourself to be like others just to gain acceptance. However, I think adoptive parents should accept that the losses caused by adoption might lead to these feelings and they should be prepared to help their children through this while they're growing up. Their differences should be accepted, even celebrated, and original families/heritage should be respected.

I'll admit I'm just a mom with a blog. I'm not an expert with all the answers but I just can't see how making my boys a permanent, legal part of my family is a bad thing as long as I don't negate their original families in the process. I know some will say changing their last name does that but like I said it was their choice and for me it was about including them in my family not getting rid of their original family.

NaBloPoMo Day 2...Not So Exciting Either

Things are pretty settled here right now. I have to say that the finalization on 10/23 has changed some things for the better. It's taken some stress off us because I know that there's no more chance of the boys being placed somewhere else. And on their end the judge made it clear to the boys that they're here for good. I don't know if that'll stick with them in some of their worst moments but I'm fairly certain it planted a bigger seed than me alone saying it would have.

The sports the boys are into (soccer and cross country) are over for the year. Having the two seasons for all 4 kids coincide like that makes for a crazy couple of months. The difference is overwhelming now that they're over. I miss certain parts of it but it's nice to not have somewhere to be every night.

I guess that just leaves us in the school grind as we head into the holidays. Not that anyone cares lol but I'm going to work on some adoption related posts. I think I've got some perking lol.

NaBloPoMo

I think I'm going to try to do NaNoBloMo this year. That's it. Post one. Fascinating, huh? I can't promise the posts will get much better LOL but I DO promise to try.

Happy Halloween!

Soccer Pics

Just thought I'd share pics of my handsome soccer players. Too bad I don't have any of Cory like this from Cross Country.

Simple Woman's Daybook for October 19th

This is hosted by Peggy at Peggy's Daybook.

Outside my window...it's dark already but the sun was out earlier and it was actually warm!

I am thinking...about my nice, warm bed.

I am thankful for...hot tubs and saunas lol.

I am wearing...tan slacks and a black shirt.

I am remembering...that I need to call my mom.

I am going...to enjoy a treat if I can find one after the boys go to bed. Bad mommy!

I am reading...I'm actually between books at the moment. Very rare indeed lol. I have to go to the library.

I am hoping...the boys are all better and don't need to miss any school!

I am praying...for the health and finances of my loved ones!

I am hearing...the tv and J talking to Ty about the Animal Planet show they're watching.

On my mind...my friend Stephanie and her boys in Haiti.

From the learning rooms...Ty came home early with a fever. Everyone else is now sick too so school tomorrow? Looking pretty iffy.

Noticing that...my puppy is crazily chasing the cats. Awww, he just wants to play.

Pondering these words..."One man in a thousand will stick more close than a brother...
Nine hundred and ninety-nine can't bide the shame or mocking or laughter,
But the Thousandth Man will stand by your side to the gallows-foot -- and after!" from "The Thousandth Man" by Rudyard Kipling.

From the kitchen...I made a taco bake/mexican lasagna for dinner. YUM!

Around the house...things are settling down after a busy day.

One of my favorite things...hearing one of the boys say, "I love you, mom!"

A few plans for the rest of the week...soccer, school (hopefully), finalizing J and L's adoption!

From my picture journal: "Don't you dare ever show that to anyone mom!!!" OOOOOPS!
(Not sure if you can see it but that's L's Pooh hat he's wearing LOL).

Simple Woman's Daybook for October 12th

This is hosted by Peggy at Peggy's Daybook.

Outside my window...it's dark already and cold.

I am thinking...about my boys.

I am thankful for...recent answered prayers.

I am wearing...green slacks and a green shirt with floral print.

I am remembering...how much I love my family.

I am going... to tuck in Jay as soon as I'm done with this!

I am reading...The Revenge of the Spellman's from the Izzy Spellman series.

I am hoping... to get a permanent teaching position SOON!

On my mind...my sister and her dd.

From the learning rooms...the boys all had little homework tonight. Agendas were quickly signed and put away.

Noticing that...we seem to have nearly skipped fall and gone straight to early winter!

Pondering these words...lol nothing comes to mind right now.

From the kitchen...I made salsbury steaks and baked taters for dinner tonight.

Around the house...it's warm and cozy.

One of my favorite things...the smell of wood smoke and cold air (although it's too early for that).

From my picture journal: Boys will be boys!